Thirteen Keys To Amazing Sex With Your Spouse

Do you want amazing sex with your spouse?  Turns out there is some pretty strong research done by Normal Bar Study and John Gottman that has found unique behaviors in marriages that are consistent across cultures and countries, as well as socio-economic and religious backgrounds.

What their research showed is simple —there is a clear set of habits that couples who have great sex are routinely doing.  In addition, couples who struggle with sex, statistics show, are notdoing these very same things.

Having a great sex life is not rocket science. It is not difficult. Here are thirteen keys to amazing sex with your spouse.

1.  Tell your spouse, “I love you,” every day and mean it.  

No quid pro quo, no manipulation, no, I’ll do it if you do it.  We each have a choice to bless our marriages with healthy behaviors or not. Focus on the qualities of your mate you love and make the decision to speak your love authentically and regularly. 

2.  Kiss your husband/wife passionately for no reason.

Give a passionate kiss and many people feel they are being prepped for sex.  Try giving a kiss for no ulterior motive and watch the intimacy build in your relationship. It feels safe, free, with no strings attached.  There is nothing more intimate than that.

3.  Give surprise romantic gifts.

Gifts don’t have to be elaborate or expensive, but giving a gift lets your spouse know you are thinking about them and are focused on nurturing the intimacy in your relationship.  

4.  Know what turns your partner on or off sexually.

Our sex life mirrors our emotional life with our spouse. Healthy spouses are always curious about each other, wanting to learn more, understand more, so they can respect their wants and needs, and keep reaching towards the other thereby cultivating greater acceptance, safety, and closeness.

5. Be affectionate with your spouse, even in public.

Our children need to see us being affectionate.  They need to see us holding hands, or reaching to put a hand around each other’s waist.  Safe. Connected. Welcoming the other into our personal space.  Touch is a vital part of intimacy.  Nurture it outside the bedroom and watch what happens inside the bedroom.

6.  Keep playing together.

Why do couples stop playing together once they get married? In my practice, I hear so many couples talk about how much fun they had together while they were dating only to have that disappear after the wedding.  Find a leisure activity to enjoy together (without the kids).  Play board games together.  Laugh together.  Our relationships need time away from the responsibilities of life just to relax, unwind, and connect emotionally.

7.  Cuddle. Yes, cuddle.

Cuddling is an essential ingredient to great sex. Cuddling moves beyond the casual gestures of affection and allows us to hold each other tight, increasing our safety and secure attachment with our mate. It creates a world where there are just two people, where nothing outside can get it.  It allows both to feel the other is there for them in a healthy way.

8.  Make sex a priority, not the last item on your to-do list.

I know —this kids, work, soccer practice —no way, right? We’re exhausted by the end of the day and the last thing on our minds is sex.  Perhaps some of our priorities need to be re-evaluated.  Perhaps we have overextended our schedules and responsibilities, and something needs to go.  Sometimes our schedules are simply the easiest excuse to keep us from having to make room for our spouse, ourselves, our bodies, and our souls, to keep us from becoming that vulnerable.  

Our relationship needs us to make room for sex.  God created sex and He said it was good. Stop running.  Stop excusing.  Make it a priority and your relationship will be blessed.

9.  Nurture your friendship.

I don’t know about you, but I fell in love with my best friend. I need his friendship.  I need that safe place to share my heart and soul —to dream dreams, to mourn losses.  Friendship builds a secure, strong foundation that can withstand the storms life will bring, but friendship also fuels warmth, fondness, passion, and desire — all of which are needed for a great sex life.  

Relationships that are built on passion alone prove to be roaring fires that extinguish themselves quickly.  Nurturing the friendship ignites a slow, simmering, flame that continues to smolder and grow over time.

10.  Talk openly, honestly, and comfortably about your sex life.

Being able to talk openly about sex is almost as good as sex —yeah, almost.  How freeing to be able to feel safe enough to share with each other openly, honestly, respectfully about what’s working well or what’s not working well in our sex life so we can move closer together and enjoy each other more fully.

11.  Have weekly dates.

Dates are becoming a lost art today.  Date night doesn’t have to be elaborate, it doesn’t have to be expensive, and it certainly doesn’t have to include dinner and a movie.  

My husband and I used to get away for breakfast or a coffee date routinely; sometimes we would meet at the gym or go to the park to take a walk.  A date is simply time we’ve set aside apart from the kids, work, phones, doctors’ appointments —everything— to continue to grow the relationship.  

12.  Take romantic vacations.

Many couples I meet with report they have never spent the night away from the kids.  Yet our relationship needs time away, time to focus on each other, time to enjoy each other. In the stresses of life, we sometimes lose the connection with our partner, we forget why we fell in love in the first place.  We need time away to reconnect, strengthen our bonds, and keep falling in love over and over again.

13. Always be intentional about turning toward your spouse.

Every day we find ourselves in situations where we have the opportunity to turn away from, or turn towards our spouses.  In moments of stress, we choose our children over our husband, we choose our work over our wives.  

Turning away from our spouse destroys the respect, the safety, the trust, leaving us feeling lonely and disconnected.  Keep turning towards, keep leaning in.  Your relationship will grow stronger because nothing will interfere with your relationship, and your sex life will become more rich, more satisfying than you could ever imagine.

What habits do you and your spouse currently practice?  What areas need some attention? How can you begin to look within yourself to determine how you can begin to invest in your relationship and your sex life?

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I've included my two best marriage resources - my Healthy Expectations Worksheet and my Marriage Health Quiz for FREE when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. Discover the spiritual + emotional + relational wellbeing and abundance God has for you! Get Yours Now!!

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Are Your Expectations Helping Or Hurting Your Marriage

I didn’t get married until my thirties.  I was the girl who got lost in fairytales as a child and grew up with an emblazoned picture in my mind of what my marriage would look like.  I imagined a slightly demure pursuit like the one between Edward Ferrars and Elinor Dashwood in Sense and Sensibility, mixed with a little bit of the passion and drama of Wuthering Heights.  In the end I hoped we would get along like Ma and Pa Wilder from Little House on the Prairie, walking off into the sunset at the end of our lives.

I know —not exactly a realistic picture of marriage.  In many ways I had entirely unreasonable expectations for my poor husband to live up to. An expectation is, a strong belief that something will happen; the feeling, anticipation, or expectation in the prospects for the future. 

I believe all of us, if we’re honest, come to the table with expectations of what our marriage will be, what it will notbe (usually based on our childhood), along with hopes for what our spouse will heal, fix, fill, or complete in us.

We believe:

• It will be easy to transition from single to married.

• I’ll never be lonely again.

• I won’t be bored anymore.

• We’ll never argue.

• He’ll change after we’re married, in the ways I want him to.

• He’ll know how I feel and what I want; I shouldn’t need to tell him.

• He’ll do chores the way I want them done.

• Sex will always be great.

Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Marriage, says, We have to stop asking of marriage what God never designed it to give — perfect happiness, conflict-free living, and idolatrous obsession. Instead,he says, we can appreciate what God designed marriage to provide: partnership, spiritual intimacy and the ability to pursue God — together.

If you are waiting on someone else to make your life meaningful and happy, you will almost certainly be gravely disappointed, says Todd Clements and Kim Beair, authors of First Comes Love, Then What? When you learn how to be truly happy alone, you’ll begin to be the most successful in every relationship.

Every marriage is made up of broken individuals living in a broken world. Yet if we allow Him, God will use our marriage as the canvas to heal us, teach us, and transform us as individuals.

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The truth is:

• Getting married is a big Change. It takes time to adjust to your new roles and to each other.

• One person cannot satisfy all your needs for companionship. Maintain friendships with others.

• You are responsible for keeping yourself entertained and interesting. It’s not your partner's job.

• Conflicts occur in close relationships. You can learn to manage them well.

• “What you see is what you get.” Don’t expect your spouse to change basic character traits or habits.

• They can’t read your mind. If you want your partner to know something, you should to tell them.

• It’s better to give and receive graciously than to get all even-Steven about what’s “fair.”

• Your spouse's standards and ways are likely to be different from yours. This is okay. Accepting our differences is a part of building a healthy, cooperative partnership.

• Sex should often be great but not every single time. Good communication helps here too.

If you identified with any of the beliefs at the beginning of this article, you most likely hold some unrealistic expectations for your marriage.  You’re not alone —such beliefs are widespread. In my clinical practice I see the damage unrealistic and unhealthy expectations can create in marriages, yet I also see the powerful transformation that occurs when spouses learn to free each other, accept each other, and actually enjoy their differences. 

Psalm 62:5 (NKJV) tells us, My soul, wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him.

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If you struggle with knowing how to create healthy expectations, I’ve created two of my best resources for couples, including a Marriage Expectation Worksheetas well as a Marriage Health Quiz to help you assess the health of your relationship and learn to develop healthy expectations for each other. They are FREEwhen you subscribe to my weekly newsletter and will empower and equip you to discover the spiritual, emotional, and relational healing and wellbeing you’ve always desired!

Here are four things you can do to develop healthy expectations for your marriage that will bring you the connection and intimacy God has designed for you.

1. Acknowledge that you have expectations.

            Individuals who either refuse to abandon their laundry list of unmet expectations or who have never allowed themselves to hold any in their relationships find themselves disconnected from a key stabilizing force that, if used properly, can yield tremendous joy and intimacy.  

            We cannot change what we cannot acknowledge.  Whether realistic or unrealistic, we each carry expectations for the marriage and for our spouse. In reality, not all expectations are bad or unhealthy, yet acknowledging their power can determine the stability, contentment, and satisfaction in our marriages.

2.  Discover and clarify what your expectations are.

            Do a personal inventory. What do you personally expect in the various areas of your marriage? Do you have expectations for roles and responsibilities; expectations for respect? What about how you will communicate or resolve conflict? What are your expectations surrounding work, parenting, sex, faith, or finances?

            Since each of us comes from different backgrounds and home environments, we cannot assume that we are automatically going to be on the same page as our spouse, even though we love them deeply.  To discover and clarify your personal expectations will help you take the next step and…

3.  Share your expectations with your spouse.

            I encourage you to get the Marriage Expectation Worksheet to help you and your partner work through each step in discovering, then sharing your expectations for each other, as well as your expectations for yourselves. Many individuals like defining what they want their spouse to do for them, but some are reluctant to look within themselves and hold themselves accountable in their relationship.  

            Share your heart for the other with the other.  Don’t expect them to be a mind-reader, tell them what you desire from them. Be kind. Listen to each other. Determine if what your mate is asking is realistic or unrealistic.  This will help you…

4.  Create mutual, realistic expectations together.

            When expectations get cut to the floor, it creates space for us to pick them up and rebuild them with greater determination. Discovering new, more realistic expectations can reenergize your marriage and reignite intimacy.

            Pray together.  If one thing doesn’t work for you and your spouse, have another conversation and try something else. If both parties are working towards a solution, and putting in the effort, expectations meeting reality is not a hard goal to achieve.

Marriage is a beautiful, complex gift from God. Yes, there are hard times. There will always be growing pains, tension, and irritation, but God knows that it takes growing pains to grow.

Don’t run from the pain, don’t avoid the discomfort.  God wants to build and create something in your marriage that will be a shining light in a world of darkness, something that will breathe healing and hope into the lives around you —something that will make His name famous. 

And isn’t that what marriage is all about anyway?

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I've included my two best marriage resources - my Healthy Expectations Worksheet and my Marriage Health Quiz for FREE when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. Discover the spiritual + emotional + relational wellbeing and abundance God has for you! Get Yours Now!!

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

The One Thing Your New Year Needs Most

The busyness of the holidays is over. 

The tornado that has been swirling since October is beginning to dissipate and I feel like I might just be able to come up for air.  Exhale —inhale.  

New endings and new beginnings.  Just like that.

I exhale reflections of times past, opportunities seized and opportunities lost.  Perhaps.  There are milestones and gravestones.  I measure the beautiful people and experiences that have meandered across my cobbled little path on my journey and give thanks.

I inhale new hope (which at times is so hard), as well as new visions.  More than anything I am learning to inhale what matters more to me than anything —and that is the gift of presence.

Years ago I read this quote by Henri Nouwen that speaks so powerfully to my own ideals and selfish agendas:

            “More and more, the desire grows in me simply to walk around, greet people, enter their homes, sit on their doorsteps, play ball, throw water, and be known as someone who wants to live with them. It is a privilege to have the time to practice this simple ministry of presence. Still, it is not as simple as it seems. My own desire to be useful, to do something significant, or to be part of some impressive project is so strong that soon my time is taken up by meetings, conferences, study groups, and workshops that prevent me from walking the streets. It is difficult not to have plans, not to organize people around an urgent cause, and not to feel that you are working directly for social progress. But I wonder more and more if the first thing shouldn’t be to know people by name, to eat and drink with them, to listen to their stories and tell your own, and to let them know with words, handshakes, and hugs that you do not simply like them, but truly love them.”

I recognize the ministry of presence, as Nouwen describes, is not about being social.  It is about being intentional.  Intentional with what matters most to God —His children. In the truest sense, one cannot truly experience the presence of another until he has experienced the presence of himself (and survived).  And one cannot —cannotexperience the full presence of himself unless he has encountered and embraced the Presence of Abba, Father.  God.  Through His Son Jesus Christ.

So as you move into this new year, as you exhale what has been and inhale what will be, skip the lists, forgo the agenda.  Focus instead on the ministry of presence, and watch the transformation that unfolds. 

Make time to encounter God each day. 

I know, I know. Sounds so simple.  Yet when was the last time you were fully present with God? When did you last silence the noise of the world and still the clamoring of your heart to simply BE in the Presence of God?  To settle in and experience your belovedness.  Nothing else.  Just your belovedness.

Maybe this is already a daily practice for you, maybe it sounds completely foreign.  I encourage you this year to make the ministry of Presence first and foremost with your Father.  Visit with Him.  Sit in solitude with Him.  Breathe deeply in His Presence.  Pour your heart out to Him, read about Him in His Word. 

He will transform you. His Word says it and we can know it is true.  We will find nothing that fills our souls, nothing that completes us, or gives us the meaning we are searching for other than the One who created us.  Breathed His life into us.  Called us His own.  Invite Him into your heart today.  Invite Him into your schedule this year.

Carve out time to nourish your soul.

We know scientifically that good self-care reduces stress, lowers anxiety and depression.  But caring for our souls takes us on a lifelong journey of healing, of growth, of self-discovery.  

Since we are God’s creation and He thought what He created was good, shouldn’t we spend time getting to know ourselves —our physical and emotional identities, our ways of experiencing the world around us, our passions and purpose?  Shouldn’t we better understand why we think, feel, and engage the way we do so that we can continue on our healing journeys and allow God to transform those areas of our heart?

Every one of us has in him a continent of undiscovered character. Blessed is he who acts the Columbus to his own soul.

_ Author Unknown

Soul-care is not selfish. It isn’t.  And it isn’t self-centered.  It is being rooted and planted in Christ, and becoming intentional to grow a solid, strong identity so that we can give ourselves fully to those He has called us to serve.  And love. That is the ministry of presence.

Carve out time to have a coffee and breathe.  Settle into your body.  Feel the feelings that have become buried or discarded throughout the day.  Name your feelings.  Be present with them.  Understand them.  Talk yourself through them.  Release them to the Father.

Be intentional about nurturing your relationships.

As Nouwen says, our desires tend to focus on tasks, agendas, schedules.  They seem so safe.  At times the ministry of presence with others can feel unsafe.  Humans are broken and our brokenness makes the terrain of relationships potentially messy.

Yet the ministry of presence is precisely what God calls each of us to embrace.  No one will remember the size of your bank account. They won’t remember the award you won at work.  They will remember being with you and experiencing the beauty, the love, the life and everything in between with you.  They will remember the experience of His presence pouring through you.  Love.  God’s love.

So as I enter these first few moments of the new year, this is my focus:

Exhale—My disappointments . My failures.  My sorrows. Inhale— God’s love, His delight, His compassion.

Exhale —My agenda, my plans, my desires.  Inhale —the ministry of presence with God, with myself, with others.

Exhale —Discouragement, doubt, comparison.  Inhale —hope, contentment, gratitude.  

And gratitude brings with it joy.  Joy tells us that while things are going haywire in this world, God is in control.  Joy tells us that in the face of the world’s definition of success, we are enough.  Joy finds itself alive when our hearts are most settled in the Father’s presence.

That is where I want to be in 2019 —settled in His presence.  

How about you?

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Why We Can Never Move Past Our Childhood Until We Face It

Most of us find little use in dissecting our past and dredging up old childhood memories. We wonder, “What does that have to do with the mess I’m in today?” “What good can possibly come from talking about my childhood?”

For many, their family life growing up was less than ideal, and brings up painful memories that have long since been buried. Or so we thought.

Much of our life today, from how we handle stress, how we interact in relationships, to the things we believe about ourselves, about others, about God is directly shaped from our experiences within our families growing up.

We cannot outrun it, we cannot forget it. We are powerful to heal the wounds from our past and move past them as we learn to come face to face with them. Here is an excerpt from my new book, Peace For a Lifetime, that shares the importance of dealing with our childhood wounds so that we can build a life for ourselves and our children, that is uniquely different, emotionally abundant and peace-filled.

From the time we open our eyes in the morning, we are constantly coming into contact with people—whether they share our bed, our house, our neighborhood, our office, or our church. At the point we make contact, something unique happens. A spark ignites, a reciprocity of energy is exchanged, and a dynamic is created.

Our best understanding of relational dynamics comes from the system of dynamics set up in our family of origin. The family style where we were raised carries a powerful force where individual members learn to connect with one another in unique ways that are mutually affecting. Patterns evolve whereby each member adopts a certain role within the family that allows the system to function as a whole.

Family systems form the basis for all our human interactions and relationships because the role we adopt within the family system is usually carried into all of our future adult relationships. These roles become a stable, though sometimes unconscious, part of our identity. Because family systems are driven by a process called homeostasis, the tendency to maintain stability or equilibrium, they are therefore usually resistant to change.

Have you ever had the experience of going back home to visit after having been away and feeling as though you were fifteen years old again the moment you walked through the door? That is the power of homeostasis at work within the family system. Some people might resist returning home because of the incredibly strong dynamics that leave them feeling child-like, helpless, weak, or even angry. Avoiding home may seem to provide the best solution.

While there are some extreme situations where home was physically, emotionally, or sexually abusive, and being cut-off provides the option of last resort for survival and health, most of us experience the fullness of our relational healing by returning home, figuratively speaking. This means our healing becomes complete the more we can understand our role in the family system, learn how to unhook from the homeostatic force that wants us to stay the same, and begin to differentiate ourselves well enough to interact with others, even our family of origin, from a place of peace and EA. The power of returning home frees us from our historical role in the family system and allows us to carry this freedom—this new, solid self into all of our adult relationships.

Interestingly, we can at any time, from any place, with any person begin to exercise EA in our relationships. No decision for EA is ever wasted. The muscles that we strengthen in one relationship can be translated into other relationships. Please note, the goal is never to change or fix someone else. The goal is to heal, understand, and grow ourselves so we can engage in any relationship and experience peace for ourselves as we connect with our loved ones.

It is never too late to heal and to grow. Our relationships will flourish as we are able to understand our childhood influences as well as feel and manage our emotions effectively so that we are better able to express them in a healthy way to the people around us.

The results are worth it. You are worth it. You don’t have to remain chained to the same old ways of dealing with life that you’ve been using. You are not destined to “be” just like your father or mother or others from your childhood. God has a unique plan and purpose for you. He wants you to be free from those chains so you can embrace your God-given identity and destiny.

In my book, Peace For a Lifetime, I share simple, practical life steps that can help you understand the life God desires for you. This material can help you create and experience an indestructible peace – not just for today, not just for tomorrow, you can experience peace…for a lifetime!

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How The Power of Investing Can Yield a Life of Abundance and Peace

Live like no one else so later, you can live like no one else. _Dave Ramsey

What Dave Ramsey understands is the power of investing. He is passionate about teaching people how to harness their financial energy so they change the trajectory of their lives and build financial peace.

I believe in a different kind of investing. While I whole-heartedly embrace Dave Ramsey’s philosophy of financial investing, I wonder what would happen if we embraced the notion of emotional investing?

Warren Buffett, one of the wealthiest people in America, stated:

Generally speaking, investing in yourself is the best thing you can do. Anything that improves your own talents; nobody can tax it or take it away from you. They can run up huge deficits and the dollar can become worth far less. You can have all kinds of things happen. But if you’ve got talent yourself, and you’ve maximized your talent, you’ve got a tremendous asset that can return ten-fold.

Most of us simply don’t know how to invest in ourselves. We can barely make it through the day, how can we begin to think about the future?

I believe God created us to have a lifestyle that is dynamic and growing. He did not create us as static creatures. We will find Emotional Abundance and peace as we learn how to invest in ourselves emotionally.

Here is an excerpt from my new book, Peace For a Lifetime, that shares the power of investing and how it can hold the key to building a life of abundance and peace. Peace is not something out of reach, it’s not something just for others. Peace is powerful, peace is possible!

When we become passionate about something, we are willing to invest in our passion. I’m passionate about my children, so I’m willing to invest myself in their lives and education. I’m passionate about my faith, so I’m willing to invest myself in my faith. I’m passionate about my friendships, so I invest myself in them. I’m not passionate about exercise though I know I should be. Therefore, I haven’t invested in a great pair of running shoes. Hopefully I will be able to retire one day, so I have become reluctantly passionate about my 401(k).

No matter what we’re doing, we invest in order to yield a certain return on our investment. We invest in our children with the hope our energy and resources will yield successful, happy futures for them. We invest in our faith in order to grow into mature, strong people of faith who can impact our families and communities for Christ. We invest in our friendships so we will have deep, meaningful contact and support throughout the difficult seasons of our lives. We invest in exercise in order to be physically fit and healthy. We invest in our retirements so one day hopefully we won’t have to work, and we can enjoy the fruits of our labor.

Identity investing works the same way and is as important as every other type of investing we do. The problem is we simply neglect this area of investment because something else demands a higher priority. I have routinely worked with individuals who stopped investing in themselves after they got married. Focusing on their spouse or their children seemed natural to them, yet, years after the children moved out, they woke up to find themselves miserable and empty, wondering how they arrived at this place?

The great thing about investing is you can always start. Walking on this journey, we have been laying the groundwork for identity investing. We had to create a safe environment for us to begin tapping into our emotions and to find that unique voice that exists deep inside of us. We need to uncover some of the counterfeit parts of ourselves so we can foster new authentic selves. Once we’ve tapped into our authentic self, we can begin investing in our true identities, which can yield greater peace and self-acceptance, more satisfying careers, and more meaningful and enjoyable relationships.

You can start wherever you are. You don’t have to remain a slave to your life today. There is so much more God has for you! The materials in my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, will take you step by step through the process of understanding identity investing and will offer you simple, practical principles for discovering your core strengths and weaknesses, assessing unique personality traits, defining your beliefs and values so that you can become passionate and purposeful in your life.

There is nothing better than reaping the dividends from identity investing. These life steps can help you create and experience an indestructible peace – not just for today, not just for tomorrow, you can experience peace…for a lifetime!

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Why We Need a New Way of Thinking About Emotions

 We have a glass of wine at the end of the day to take the edge off. We take a pill to numb us from whatever’s making us feel bad. We throw ourselves into work to avoid having to come home and deal with the pressures of marriage, finances, parenting. We use phones, gadgets, and games to distract us. We use the television to help us zone-out. It seems we expend so much energy to keep us from feeling anything unpleasant, anything messy, anything real.

The problem is, avoiding our negative emotions doesn’t get rid of the negative emotions. They are always there, right beneath the surface. They do come out – usually in ways we wished they wouldn’t. Over time, it takes exhaustive amounts of energy to get rid of them and yet, they are still never resolved.

Here is an excerpt from my new book, Peace For a Lifetime, that explains why we need a new way of thinking about emotions so we can actually use all of our emotions, even the negative emotions, to work for us instead of against us in our lives.

Most people today believe that all negative emotions are bad. We are supposed to feel good all of the time. If we don’t, we must find a pill or remedy to remove the feeling, so we can get back to normal.

Even in the church, many see positive emotions as divine blessings and negative emotions as spiritual attacks from the enemy. We pray that God will remove, heal, deliver. We long for victory. Few of us stop to inquire about the emotions we are feeling, to lean into them so we can understand them. In doing so, we miss golden opportunities to grow, to learn, and to heal.

For many years, I felt emotions simply happened to me, that I was helpless to do anything with these emotions. I believed emotions were bad, that they were Satan’s attacks over which my only hope was deliverance. When I realized that God created my emotions and experienced emotions Himself, I began to believe there might be a reason for my emotions other than to torment me. Perhaps God understood there was an area in which I needed to grow or heal. Instead of delivering me from the emotion, He wanted me to find healing in that emotion, so I could learn what I needed to learn and ultimately overcome.

My journey here on earth seems to be about growth. Most of our emotional growth happens in the difficult seasons of life. Growth requires friction. Growth requires resistance. Anxiety is part of the growth process. Maybe some amount of anxiety comes from the internal struggle with the unknown, the resistance that is necessary for me to grow strong.

Emotions are not bad. Even negative emotions are not bad. Emotions are part of God’s design to help us navigate the waters of life effectively. Ignoring, numbing, or shaming our emotions leaves us disconnected, wandering, and lost. Understanding how emotions working together with our thinking creates balance and equips us to experience our emotions as wise guides instead of stumbling blocks.

Emotions are a powerful resource. My new book, Peace for a Lifetime, unpacks the purpose of emotions so we are no longer forced to ignore them, numb them, or drown in them. I share simple, practical, life steps that can help you understand the life God desires for you. This material can help you create and experience an indestructible peace – not just for today, not just for tomorrow, you can experience peace…for a lifetime.

Emotions are powerful resources. We will either use them as wise guides or stumbling blocks.

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