ASK LISA – How Can I Lose Weight and Keep It Off Once and For All?

Ask Lisa is an advice post for people who write in to me, asking questions about a specific problem or situation.  Although this is in no way a substitute for therapy, my hope and prayer is that it gives encouragement and direction for whatever you face.

If you have a specific question you would like answered, write in.  I’d be glad to tackle it together!

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Dear Lisa,

I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember.  After my mom and dad divorced at 8yrs old, my mom and I fell into a pattern of eating to numb the pain.  Every night while watching tv, we would pop popcorn, or eat ice-cream right out of the tub. Most of our best times seemed to revolve around making brownies or stopping by our favorite hamburger joint.

When I was little I had a good metabolism, so I wasn’t too heavy.  But when I entered high school, others began to make comments suggesting I was fat and needed to lose weight.  Even the school counselor sent a note home to my mom encouraging me to go on a diet to get my weight under control.

I feel like I’ve been on a diet ever since.  Mom and me would diet for a while, but when there were bills to pay, or she had broken up with a boyfriend, we just went right back to food. Food became my comfort. We would have mac & cheese on a bad day, burgers and fries on a good day, and ice cream as a treat every day. 

When I was 14 yrs old, I was molested by an uncle. I felt helpless. Dirty.  Unworthy and unsafe.  I ate to numb the pain.  I never told anyone and I’ve never been able to trust anyone since.  I want to date, to be married, to have a normal life, but I wouldn’t know how.

It seemed my life has always revolved around food.  I want to lose weight.  I can even start off the day making pretty good choices.  But by the time night falls, what starts off as a little indulgence leads to continual snacking. 

Two years ago I committed to a specific diet/exercise program.  I lost weight.  I felt great. I told myself I would never go back. But I did.  I always do.  

Can you help me? I am desperate to know how I can lose weight and keep it off once and for all.

Sincerely,

Dieting in Dallas

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Dear Dieting,

Thank you for sharing your struggle here. I know how difficult our relationship with food can be and how discouraging the battle to lose and maintain our weight can become. I want you to know you are not alone in your struggle.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 33 percent of U.S. adults are overweight and an additional 36 percent are obese. Approximately one in six children in the U.S. is obese. 

Though the causes of obesity are complex, obesity is not a function of laziness or an indication of emotional instability. Genetic and biological factors do not act in isolation, but are constantly interacting with an array of environmental and emotional factors. 

When it comes to losing weight, most people follow the usual protocol, focusing on eating less and exercising more. But a major aspect of weight control involves understanding and managing feelings, thoughts and behaviors that can interfere with weight loss.

That's not surprising, said Diane Robinson, PhD, a neuropsychologist and Program Director of Integrative Medicine at Orlando Health. Most people focus almost entirely on the physical aspects of weight loss, like diet and exercise. But there is an emotional component to food that the vast majority of people simply overlook and it can quickly sabotage their efforts. In order to lose weight and keep it off long term, we need to do more than just think about what we eat, we also need to understand why we're eating.

From a very young age we're emotionally attached to food. Whether we are aware of it or not, many of us are conditioned to use food not only for nourishment, but for comfort. 

According to Dr. Howard Rankin, an expert on behavioral change, 

We are emotional beings with the ability to rationalize -- not rational beings with emotions. If we are stressed, depressed or addicted, no matter how good the advice we are given, chances are that we will not be able to act on it. The more primitive, emotional brain generally has precedence over the newer, more rational brain. 

This was the challenge for Shekyra DeCree, of Columbus, Ohio. As a mental health therapist, my job can be very stressful, and everyday when I got home from work, the first thing I would do is go to the refrigerator,she said. That was my way to calm down and relax. Her conclusion— you have to change the way you deal with your emotions, your stress, and anxiety.  Understanding this is the key to not only taking the weight off, but keeping it off long-term. CLICK TO TWEET

Here are six tips I recommend to help you deal with weight loss differently and keep it off once and for all:

1.)  Heal the wounds of your past.

As I hear you describe, you have many wounds that have accumulated over your life that have never been healed. God desires for you to experience healing, freedom, wholeness —from every wound, every betrayal, every rejection that leaves you to use food to comfort, numb, and protect your fractured heart.CLICK TO TWEET

I could never ask you to step away from your defense mechanisms when today, they are all you have to protect you. In order to successfully change your relationship with food, you must first begin to heal so that you no longer need it to keep you safe.  Then you can open your heart and mind to a new way of being. Without living out of the wounds of your past, you will be able to create a new identity, new relationships, and a future with unlimited possibilities.

Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; Yet we esteemed Him stricken, Smitten by God, and afflicted. But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, And by His stripes we are healed.  Isaiah 53:4-5(NIV)

Behold, I will bring it health and healing; I will heal them and reveal to them the abundance of peace and truth. Jeremiah 33:6(NIV) CLICK TO TWEET

2.)  Cultivate healthy coping skills. 

We must understand what we feel and why we are feeling it, if we are to resist the emotional pull to eat.  If we have never connected with our emotions, begin journaling every day, do a feelings check.  Ask yourself why you are feeling what you are feeling.  Explore the best options for dealing with those feelings —do you need to talk with a friend, draw a boundary, comfort yourself emotionally, or strategize a new path forward? 

·     Keep a daily diary logging your food and your mood, and look for unhealthy patterns. 

·     Identify foods that make you feel good and write down why you eat them. Do they evoke a memory or are you craving those foods out of stress?

·     Before you have any snack or meal ask yourself: Am I eating this because I'm hungry? If the answer is no, look for the root of your motive.

As we learn to develop a healthier relationship with our emotions we will be better able to nurture our bodies with the fuel it needs without using food to manage, numb, or distract us from our emotions. Nor will we need food for physical or emotional protection.  

3.) Develop your ‘no’ muscle.

Self-control is a muscle that, like other muscles, needs exercise to be strengthened. Change doesn't happen because you want it to happen. Each time you exercise your ‘no’ muscle, you are developing greater self-control. Success breeds success. Facing down temptations builds strength for future decision moments.  Empowers determination.  Grows grit where we need it most.

ASK LISA – How Can I Lose Weight and Keep It Off Once and For All?

We can do hard things.  We can.  Find at least one time per day (if not more) that you actively tell yourself no.  It doesn’t have to be just about food, this applies to many aspects of our lives where we have difficulty with disciplining our bodies, our hearts, and our minds. CLICK TO TWEET

For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline..2 Timothy 1:7 (NIV)

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23 (NIV)

4.) Avoid sugary, carb-heavy foods.

Start reading labels.  Things you would never believe to be heavy in sugar or carbs can be incredibly packed with them.  Get a food-tracker app like Chronometer, where you can log everything you eat daily. This can be eye-opening because most of us minimize what we are eating as well as its calorie, sugar, or carb content. 

Apps don’t lie.  They will help educate and equip you with information so that you become increasingly aware of what you are feeding your body.  Once you become aware, you can make the changes necessary to feed your body appropriately without overindulging.

5.) Learn from your past mistakes, don’t shame them.

We all make mistakes. Instead of shaming yourself when you fall down or make a bad decision regarding food, seek to gain self-knowledge so you won't repeat the error. Ask yourself why you made the decision you did. Journal both the emotions and the thoughts surrounding that decision. What could you do differently next time? How do you want to move forward?

No one is perfect. Be sure to acknowledge what you are doing right, not just what isn't working.

6.) Surround yourself with people who will support your effort. 

Getting fit and losing weight absolutely require others. Although you alone can make the changes you need to make, they are hard to sustain alone. In every area of our lives, we are much more influenced by other people than we may think. One of the most potent forces for positive change is the emotional support of the individuals who surround you.

Don’t be afraid to ask for the support you need. Don't assume that others know what would be most helpful to you. Similarly, avoid those people who may try to sabotage you on your journey. Surround yourself with people who can encourage you, who can walk with you.

You can do this.  You have already overcome so much in your life.  You can heal, you can learn.  You can grow.  By choosing health in every moment, in every decision, you can learn to manage your emotions and make choices that nurture you body, mind, and spirit.  CLICK TO TWEET

You will find balance.  Equilibrium.  Your physical body will heal.  Your heart will heal.  You will become whole.  And there is nothing like it!

I will be praying for you and cheering you on every step of the way. Keep in touch and let me know how you are doing.

Many blessings,

Lisa

**The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only. Use of this column not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, financial, medical, legal, or other professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist. The opinions or views expressed in this column are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed professional, physician or mental health professional. 

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About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

7 Signs You Might Be In a Relationship With a Narcissist

Welcome, friend! Today’s post is a little longer than normal, but that is because it is such an important subject. I have received more questions about narcissism than any other topic! I wanted to make sure I did my best to deal with this subject adequately. Please be prayerful for those in toxic relationships today. Pray that God would use this information to bring knowledge, understanding, healing, and freedom!

Savannah and Jack had a whirlwind courtship.  He was everything she had ever hoped for, the man of her dreams —until he wasn’t.

The day they got home from their ‘honeymoon in paradise,’ paradise was lost.  His temper began to rage. It seemed she couldn’t do anything right. All she wanted to was to make him happy and build their future together.

Savannah found herself at the brutal end of Jack’s criticisms.  No matter what the argument, she somehow was to blame for their problems. She was constantly accused of being too emotional, too hormonal, too needy, too everything.  If she didn’t agree with his perspective, Jack would either attack or shut down completely, refusing to speak to her for days.

She began to wonder if Jack was right?  Questioning herself often, she shared in session that she no longer feels confident in herself or trusts her perspective on things.

Maybe our issues really are my fault? Maybe I am being selfish?, she pondered.

When they shared in session about their marital problems, Jack immediately began to speak.  And speak.  And speak.  It seemed he had a lot to say.  Attempting to control the conversation with a mixture of charm and concern, he expressed his interest in getting help for his wife.  From his perspective, he was fine.  He just wanted her to return to the kind, caring wife he had married.  

If she can’t, he declared, I won’t have a choice but to leave.

If you’ve ever been in relationship with a narcissist, the interactions described may feel familiar. The patterns can be destructive, but the decision to stay or leave is an individual one.  

Psychology Todaydescribes the symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as grandiosity, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration. Individuals with NPD are frequently described as arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding, convinced they are deserving of special treatment. 

According to psychologist Joseph Burgo, Narcissism exists in many shades and degrees of severity along a continuum.

While most of us are guiltyof selfish behaviors at one time or another, a true narcissist tends to dwell habitually in several of the following personas, while remaining largely unaware of (and unconcerned with) how his or her actions affect others.

Here are 7 signs that you might be in a relationship with a narcissist.

1. Narcissists hoard conversations. 

Not only does a narcissist love to talk about themselves, they rarely give you a chance to share your perspective on anything. Your perspective is irrelevant to their personal experience, therefore it is unnecessary and unworthy of their time or attention. When you find your spouse always correcting, interrupting, belittling, or shaming your thoughts and feelings, there is a good chance you are in a narcissistic relationship.

Your voice should be heard.  Needs to be heard. Your perspective matters as long as it is shared respectfully and kindly.  Never allow someone to silence your voice. Shut you down.  Intimidate you. CLICK TO TWEET Healthy relationships involve two people who share mutually, who not only listen, but respect, consider, and value the perspective of their partner.  Two are better than one.

Ecclesiastes 4:8-12 (NIV) shares, Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.

2. Narcissists are charmers.

There is a reason people fall in love with narcissists.  They sweep you off your feet.  They profess their undying love. They make you feel like you are the center of their universe. Until you’re not.

When they’re interested in you, they make you feel very special and wanted. However, once they lose interest in you, or have gotten what they want from you, they may drop you without a second thought. Engaging and sociable, they will give you their undivided attention as long as you’re fulfilling what they desire.

When they say that they love you, what they mean is I love how you love me. When you love them well, then you are wonderful, the best thing that ever happened to them. When you fail to love them well (as you always will), then you have a price to pay. A person with NPD finds it impossible to put themselves in someone else’s shoes (empathy) and has little compassion for anyone other than themselves. A narcissist gets into a relationship to be adored, admired & loved. Not to love or sacrifice for someone else. _Leslie Vernick CLICK TO TWEET

3. Narcissists have grandiose personalities.

Thinking of themselves as a hero or heroine, a prince or princess, or a ‘one of a kind’ special person, many narcissists have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, believing that others cannot live or survive without his or her magnificent contributions.   They need their accomplishments to define them.  

Driven by a need to impress, they focus on attributes or achievements that will make themselves look good externally. Oftentimes the narcissist will use people, objects, status, and/or accomplishments to present a false self, because the real self is judged to be inferior and weak. Exaggerating, inflating, even inventing their accomplishments allows them to believe they are more special, more intelligent, better than anyone else. Therefore, their accomplishments are everything.  

Healthy individuals have a mixture of wins and losses, successes and defeats.  Their identity is not defined by what they have done, it is defined by who they are at the core —their beliefs and values, their character, their faith.  They do not perceive themselves as superior to others, rather they understand their inherent brokenness, their humanity.

4. Narcissists are entitled. 

They are special. Period. Rules that apply to everyone else simply don’t apply to narcissists, or so they believe.  Often expecting preferential treatment from others, they come to believe the world really revolves around them. They expect others to cater to their needs, without acknowledging anyone else’s needs in return. 

Narcissists have an empathy deficit disorder —they are not capable of empathy as we know it, psychiatrist and author of “The Empath’s Survival Guide,” Dr. Judith Orloff describes. Full-blown narcissists don’t care about other people’s feelings.  They seem to be wired differently. 

Healthy relationships are places where two people share their perspectives. They know where they end and the other begins. Respecting each other’s boundaries, they never coerce or demand anything from each other.  Love is given both respectfully and freely.

Even if your partner doesn’t see you or consider you, God sees you.  He hears you. He knows your deepest needs.  Look to Him to find your healing, your hope. Never allow yourself to be disrespected or abused.  Never.

5. Narcissists are boundary-violaters.      

Because they feel entitled, your personal boundaries become obstacles to whatever they want or need.  They have no ability to live with another person’s ‘no,’ therefore they simply disregard other people’s thoughts, feelings, possessions, and/or physical space. They use others without consideration or sensitivity, borrowing items or money without returning or paying back, breaking promises repeatedly without remorse. 

More times than not, a narcissist will actually turn the tables and blame you for their poor choices. In their crazy-making cycle, they keep you perpetually off-balance by violating your boundaries of respect or responsibility, then gas-lighting you to make you out to be the crazy one. 

Healthy relationships allow two individuals to speak and hold their respective boundaries.  Their yes’ and no’s are honored, and each knows clearly where they end and the other begins.  Instead of demanding the relationship meet all of their emotional or physical needs, both look to God and themselves to meet most of their primary needs.  

The relationship is then safe. Safe to laugh, to live, to dream together.  To love. The relationship is also a place of mutual respect.

Matthew 5:37 (NIV) teaches us, All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.

6. Narcissists have anger issues. 

Anger tends to be a primary defense mechanism for people with NPD.  Any boundary, any ‘no’ will be received with hostility or potential rage as they perceive any obstacle to their agenda. Many narcissists even enjoy sparking negative emotions to gain attention, to feel powerful, as well as to keep you insecure and off-balance. They are easily upset at any real or perceived slights or lack of attention. 

Throwing a tantrum if you disagree with their views or fail to meet their expectations, they are at the same time extremely sensitive to criticism.  They will typically respond to correction or criticism with a defensive response, leading to either a heated argument (fight) or cold detachment (flight). At the same time narcissists are quick to judge, criticize, ridicule, and blame others, some even becoming emotionally and verbally abusive. By making you feel inferior, they boost their fragile ego, and feel better about themselves.

Healthy relationships are safe for two people to live, love, and journey together. Just because someone blames you for their problems doesn’t make you responsible for their problems.  Just because someone calls you crazy doesn’t mean you are crazy. Don’t forget this. There is no excuse for anger, defensiveness, rage, blame, name-calling, or crazy-making. If you are unsafe physically or emotionally, get out.  Now. CLICK TO TWEET

James 1:19-20(NIV) adds, My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.

7. Narcissists are manipulators.

It is part of their DNA.  Because anyone else’s ‘no’ is unacceptable to them, they will use manipulation to get their own needs met.  They will use you, make decisions for you, they will guilt you, hijacking your emotions in order to get what they want. 

Narcissists are masters of control and/or manipulation. In an instant, they can have you feeling upside down, disoriented, confused, and to blame for everything that is happening (or not happening) in their life.  Often playing the victim or the martyr, they will put you in the position of perpetrator or bad guy in order to get their needs met.

Healthy adults come to accept that many of their needs will never be met. They accept other people’s boundaries, they respect others boundaries.  Instead of using manipulation to get around an obstacle, they look elsewhere to get their need met legitimately, or they learn to live respectfully in the presence of an unmet desire.

1 Thessalonians 4:6 (NIV) adds, No one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister. The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins, as we told you and warned you before.

Are You In a Relationship With a Narcissist?

If more than a few of the above symptoms is active in your relationship, it is quite possible you are in a relationship with a narcissist.  Narcissism can be improved through long-term therapy, if someone steps out of denial and is truly willing to change, to heal, to grow on their individual healing journey. 

Transformation is a long, slow process because the nature of narcissism itself prevents honest self-reflection, sincere ownership of responsibility, and healing from past trauma.  It is also difficult because their defense mechanisms prove so reliable to navigate their lives and relationships, they can resist developing other coping strategies to effectively move through life.

If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, please reach out for help.  You need the support from therapy and programs like Celebrate Recovery, CODA, etc., in order to recognize how you were drawn into this type of relationship in the first place as well as learn how to strengthen your sense of self, to communicate more effectively, and to draw consistent, firm boundaries.

At the same time, support groups and therapy provide a safe place to regain your sanity, to learn how to step outside the crazy-making cycle, and remain grounded in the midst of the storm.  Most importantly, you need to understand when your loved one’s behavior crosses the line in any way, and what you need to do to protect yourself from harm verbally, emotionally, or physically. No abuse is ever acceptable.  Not even a little.

Please know God’s presence is with you right now. He has never left.  He wants to bring you safety, healing, and hope. Reach towards Him right now. Reach out for help.  Take the next step.  

Your healing is now!          

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About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

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Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

8 Reasons Why Vacation Is Vital For Wellbeing

I have missed being with you guys!  This past month I’ve taken time away with my husband to travel, to rest, to pray, to play, and to dream.  As good and as needful as my time away was, I am so excited to be back and have the opportunity to share with you.  I continue to pray over each of you on your journey.

As always, I ask for your prayers that God would give His leadership, His vision, and His words that will equip and empower each of us emotionally, spiritually, and relationally.  If you have any questions you would like answered, or topics you would love to see covered, please reach out– I’d love to hear from you!

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Vacation.

I just returned from a lovely time away with my husband for some much-needed rest.  Everyone has a different idea of vacation. Some like the beach. Others delight in adventure. I’m kind of a nerd when it comes to travel.  I love old things —old cobblestone streets, historic architecture. Gothic arches make me happy. Show me a quatrefoil and I become downright giddy.  Great food, great experiences fill my heart to the brim and refresh a sometimes parched and tired spirit. 

While we were away, I could feel my heart rate slow.  I could sense my body relaxing.  I slept more than usual and had more than my share of pastries and coffee.

What I discovered was that the longer I went without emails, phone calls, work, etc., the dust began to settle in my heart and mind, and I could once again enjoy the presence of each moment.  No need to worry about the next moment.  I discovered connection and play with my husband that was both deep and refreshing. I sat in awe as I gazed upon God’s handiwork all around me.  

I am more convinced than ever how important vacation is to everyone’s overall wellbeing.  We all run at frantic paces, we all exist on an information overload.  We all suffer from rest depravation, and we wonder why our hearts ache with restlessness and overwhelm. 

Rest time is not waste time. It is economy to gather fresh strength… It is wisdom to take occasional furlough. In the long run, we shall do more by sometimes doing less. _Charles Spurgeon

Whether it is 10 miles down the road or 10 hours around the globe, it doesn’t matter!  Here are 8 reasons why vacation is vital for your overall wellbeing.

1.   Vacation reduces stress. 

A study released by the American Psychological Association concluded that vacations work to reduce stress by removing people from the activities and environments that they associate with stress and anxiety. The effects last beyond the duration of the vacation, too: one study found that after taking time off from work, vacationers had fewer stress-related physical complaints such as headaches, backaches, and heart irregularities, and they still felt better five weeks later.

We were wired to exhale, yet exhales are at times too few and too far apart. Our physical, emotional, and spiritual bodies need to fast doing and allow ourselves to be.  The benefits are self-evident. CLICK TO TWEET

Psalm 127:2 (NIV) shares, In vain you rise earlyand stay up late,toiling for food to eat—for he grants sleep tothose he loves.

2. Vacation helps prevent heart disease. 

A host of studies have highlighted the cardiovascular health benefits of taking a vacation. In one, men at risk for heart disease who skipped vacations for five consecutive years were 30 percent more likely to suffer heart attacks than those who took at least a week off each year. Even missing one year's vacation was associated with a higher risk of heart disease. Studies find similar results with women: Women who took a vacation once every six years or less were almost eight times more likely to develop heart disease, have a heart attack, or die of a coronary-related cause than those who took at least two vacations a year. 

We might not be able to take expensive or extensive vacations per year, but we can be intentional with finding small ways to step away from our lives and rest.  Perhaps finding a favorite place to hike, or an overnight visit to a nearby state park. Getting lost in a museum, or in a favorite book —all of these things bring rest.

Mark 2:21 (NIV) offers, Then he said to them, “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.”

3. Vacation improves focus and/or productivity.

In our perpetual rush to be productive, we often undermine our very ability to consistently perform at peak levels.  Professional services firm Ernst & Young conducted an internal study of its employees and found that for each additional 10 hours of vacation time employees took, their year-end performance ratings improved 8 percent. What's more, frequent vacationers were significantly less likely to leave the firm.

When we are rested, we are more productive, we're happier, and when we're happier, we tend to excel at what we do. 

Mark 6:32 (NIV) adds, So they went away by themselves in a boat to a solitary place.

Genesis 2:2-3 (NIV) declares, By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work. Then God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done.

4. Vacation brings better sleep.

Restless nights and sleep disturbances are common complaints--often stemming from the fact that we simply have too much on our minds. When we can't stop the internal chatter it affects our sleep, and a lack of sleep leads to less focus, less alertness, impaired memory, an increased likelihood of accidents and a decreased quality of life. Researchers say that vacations can help interrupt the habits that disrupt sleep, like working late into the night or watching a backlit screen before bed. 

If you have stress from work and you find your sleep is disrupted because of anxiety or tension, take time off and learn to reset your sleep pattern.

Psalm 4:8 (NIV) teaches, In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.

5. Vacation improves mental health.

Neuroscientists have found that brain structure is altered by chronic exposure to the stress hormone cortisol, which can be a major contributing factor to anxiety and depression. Feelings of calm arise from time away from work and relieve stress, which allows the body and mind to heal in ways that it couldn't if it were still under pressure.

Step away. Learn to release. Let go.  Though it may not come easily, these are skills that we can bring from vacation into the rest of our lives.  It will bring the balance and equilibrium you desire.

Mark 6:31b (NIV) encourages us, He said to them, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.”

6. Vacation leads to greater well-being.

 According to a Gallup study, people who make time for regular trips had a 68.4 score on the Gallup-Heathway's Well-Being Index, in comparison to a 51.4 Well-Being score for less frequent travelers. One study found that three days after vacation, subjects' physical complaints, quality of sleep, and mood had improved as compared to before vacation. These gains were still present five weeks later, especially in those who had more personal time and overall satisfaction during their vacation. 

Psalm 127:2 tells us, It is useless for you to work so hard from early morning until late at night, anxiously working for food to eat; for God gives rest to his loved ones.

7.  Vacation nurtures marriages.

Couples who travel together have healthier, happier relationships compared to those who do not, according to a survey from the U.S. Travel Association. Couples in a romantic relationship report traveling together makes them significantly more likely to be satisfied in their relationships, communicate well with their partners, enjoy more romance, have a better sex life, spend quality time together and share common goals and desires. 

Take a road trip, get lost together.  Try something brand new. No need for a huge budget.  Just laugh.  Love. Dream. Travel takes us away from everything that threatens to pull us apart and helps us find our way back to each other. Rest is where we can listen to our heartbeat, where we can dream again, risk again, perhaps even love again. CLICK TO TWEET

Song of Solomon 2:10 (ESV) shares, My beloved speaks and says to me, “Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away.” CLICK TO TWEET

8. Improved familial relationships.

The benefits of vacations extend to family relationships. An international group of researchers led by Purdue University concluded that family vacations contribute positively to family bonding, communication and solidarity. Vacations promote what is called the ‘crescive bond’or shared experience by fostering deep and enduring connections. Shared family memories and time spent together isolated from ordinary everyday activities help to promote these positive ties. 

Exodus 20:9-10 (NIV) shares, Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your male or female servant, nor your animals, nor any foreigner residing in your towns.

Vacation doesn’t need to be expensive or elaborate. Please hear me when I say that it doesn’t have to be a bucket-list destination in order to be beneficial.  It just needs to involve disconnecting in both small ways and sometimes bigger ways from the pressures, the stresses, and demands that our normal schedules bring.  It means focusing on quiet, on rest, on connection —whether it is connection with God, connection with ourselves, or connection with our loved ones.

What is your favorite way to unplug and get away from the pressures of life?

 What is your favorite vacation memory from your family?

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About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Stephen's Story - How God Restored a Man and a Marriage #raisetheroofstories

A few weeks back I posted on Facebook about a man that came up to meet after church to tell me his testimony of God's healing and restoration in his life. I felt so impressed that as Revelation 12:11 says, "They overcame by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony."

So it is my heart to begin sharing testimonies of what God is doing to heal us spiritually, emotionally, and relationally —because this is what this blog is all about. I hope you will take a minute to read, to be encouraged, and to share this in your circles.

You see, darkness only prevails in silence. As we share the testimony of what God is doing, His light shines through, His love heals —to the uttermost. So let each of us stand with Stephen today and cheer him on his journey, but let's shout for joy to make God's name famous!

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Meet Stephen—

My life as an addict began at age 15 when I first tried alcohol.  I knew immediately that I loved the way it made me feel and wanted to feel that way as often as I could.  Though raised in a stable Christian family by parents who loved me and gave me clear boundaries, my circle of friends began using alcohol and marijuana and I happily joined in.  I kept out of trouble and maintained my grades so my parents would not suspect anything.  By age 19 I knew I was an addict, but I told myself that as long as I didn't use hard drugs I would be alright.  

I lived this way until I was 32, when I moved to Nashville from Houston, TX, and subsequently met my wife, Haley.  There were always months her and there of complete sobriety, but somehow I always went back.  Because my wife never drank or used drugs, I knew I could not carry that secret into our marriage.  Prior to our wedding I told her about my past and promised it would not be an issue.  From 1999 until 2006 I was fairly sober, not using marijuana at all and only drinking occasionally. 

In the summer of 2006 I injured my neck and decided against surgery, but started seeing a doctor at a pain clinic.  By 2009 I was fully addicted to pain medication, and would drink heavily when the pills ran out.  From 2013 to 2015 I was taking all the monthly allotment of pills in two weeks, and drinking from morning until night for the last two weeks until I could refill my prescription.  Haley wanted to leave me, but I was able to convince her that I would get sober.  Those last two years were horrible.  I often prayed for God to let me die so Haley could find a better husband and father for our daughter.  I also prayed for God to do whatever it would take to get me sober permanently, even if it meant going to jail.  

My mother died unexpectedly in November of 2015, and I didn’t handle it well.  I began drinking again excessively.  I was arrested for DUI and possession of a controlled substance with intent to distribute, and class B felony.  This was rock bottom for me, and the beginning of my awakening to a sober life.  For two weeks after my arrest I continued to drink, often consuming over a fifth of Vodka in a day.  I knew I was unable to stop, and that it completely controlled me.  

One day I confessed to God that I loved alcohol more than Him or my family, and admitted that I didn't know how to change. Haley was emotionally done and gave me an ultimatum on Saturday, December 5th, 2015.  The next day, during church at Grace Chapel, I watched my wife cry all the way through the Christmas music, which she loves dearly.  I told God then that I didn't know how to let go and let God, but I would do anything He wanted me to do.  

God gave me a visual of me standing up, with my hands together like a bowl, and giving Him my addiction.  I did what He said to do, saying out loud, "God, I give you my addiction," and I physically felt an enormous weight lift off of me.  I had received a miracle, and after 30 years of fighting the urge to drink or get high, the desire was completely gone.

I began attending Celebrate Recovery meetings and counseling sessions with Haley.  Lisa Murray was able to lead me to the source of my addiction, which was an incident in childhood involving a very close call with molestation.  Once I dealt with that source of shame, I began to heal both emotionally and spiritually. I understood that I had to completely change my identity, from an addict to forgiven child of God. I had to replace my shame with compassion.  Trade my chains for freedom.  I worked the Celebrate Recovery program through the 12 steps, and received my 3-year sobriety chip in December of 2018.  

Once I dealt with that source of shame, I began to heal both emotionally and spiritually. I understood that I had to completely change my identity, from an addict to forgiven child of God. I had to replace my shame with compassion. Trade my chains for freedom.

It took a long time for my wife to trust or believe that my sobriety could be permanent.  She had taken over the roles that I had abdicated, pretty much running the household in my emotional absence. I give Haley all the credit for staying with me during a very dark time, and I fully realize that most women would have left. 

Through this journey we have learned how to communicate properly, how to forgive each other, and have set about establishing lasting trust in our marriage.  The first two years were very rough, but we have determined to have a God-centered marriage and continue to work through the remnants of bitterness and disappointment.  He is healing.

Let’s raise the roof to celebrate with Stephen!  Let’s send the enemy notice – God is moving, working all around us.  The darkness will not win.  We will proclaim His kindness, shout His faithfulness all our days.  

We will make His name famous! Are you in?

If you have a testimony to share, I’d love to hear it.  

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I've included my two best marriage resources - my Healthy Expectations Worksheet and my Marriage Health Quiz for FREE when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. Discover the spiritual + emotional + relational wellbeing and abundance God has for you! Get Yours Now!!

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Ask Lisa—How Do I Trust That My Husband Has Truly Changed?

Ask Lisa is an advice post for people who write in to me, asking questions about a specific problem or situation.  Although this is in no way a substitute for therapy, my hope and prayer is that it gives encouragement and direction for whatever you face.

If you have a specific question you would like answered, write in.  I’d be glad to tackle it together!

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Dear Lisa,

Please help!  My husband and I have been separated for two months. He has always had an explosive temper since we married twelve years ago.  As time has passed, his temper has grown worse and he has been verbally and emotionally abusive for years.  I have lived under his control and have feared making any decision that might upset him or spark another rage.  I love him, but I always feel like I’m walking on eggshells around him.

Since I’ve been gone, it seems he has found his faith.  Though he grew up in church, he has always been a skeptic.  Now, he tells me he has changed and begs me to reconcile.  I don’t know what to do?  He has always been remorseful after an angry outburst, he has promised a million times that it would never happen again—and yet it inevitably does. He says he doesn’t need counseling, but assures me that things will be different.  Do you think I’m in rebellion to God because I don’t want to go back home?  

Heartbroken in Hunstville

Dear Heartbroken,

Thank you for reaching out. Nothing is easy about walking away from someone you love, even when your emotional/physical safety is at risk. You made the right decision to leave. Once someone starts down the cycle of abuse, it can easily continue beyond emotional and verbal into physical abuse.  I need you to know —NO type of abuse is acceptable.  No amount of abuse is okay.  It’s not.  Your phsycial and emotional safety cannot be risked for the sake of reconciliation, without full trust that someone’s heart and behavior have changed.  

This, unfortunately, is where many people make the mistake of returning based on a promise without any proof.  In psychology there are two types of change.  One type of change is called first-order change.  First-order change occurs on the behavioral level without impacting the operating rules of the system. These changes are considered superficial and less sustainable, leaving many to coin the phrase, white-knuckling, when describing first-order change.

The other type of change is called second-order change.

This is transformational, and truly the only kind of change that is sustainable.  The reason is simple —second-order change starts in the heart. It owns full responsibility for behavior, it is truly sorrowful.  Most importantly, it is followed by consistent, verifiable behavioral change. This kind of change is change you can see, change you can count on, change that over time rebuilds safety and trust in the relationship.

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If you are struggling in your relationship, I’ve created two of my best resources for couples, including a Marriage Expectation Worksheet as well as a Marriage Health Quiz to help you assess the health of your relationship and learn to develop healthy expectations for each other.  They are FREEwhen you subscribe to my weekly newsletter and will empower and equip you to discover the spiritual, emotional, and relational healing and wellbeing you’ve always desired!

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I truly hope he has recommitted his life to Christ.  If he has changed, time will bear witness and his walk will continue whether you reconcile todayor not.  You will see someone who is learning how to better manage his emotions.  You will experience someone who speaks to you respectfully, someone who doesn’t push, understanding that you need your space to heal and come to your decision in your own time.  

My encouragement for you is to find a trusted therapist who can walk with you and not only help you grieve, but help you heal from past traumas and learn to trust again.  This takes time, my friend.  If he is sincere, you can both heal, grow, and reconcile slowly, building a new relationship foundation that is stronger and better than ever before.  

Sometimes we become impatient and try to rush our healing process. Don’t.  The time and effort you put into your healing will yield a harvest of peace later.  

If you are not sure exactly what healthy relationships look like or how to cultivate them, I encourage you to get my book, Peace For A Lifetime, which will help you understand and create the healthiest, most resilient relationships possible!

I’ll be praying for you!

Lisa

**The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only. Use of this column not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, financial, medical, legal, or other professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist. The opinions or views expressed in this column are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed professional, physician or mental health professional. 

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I've included my two best marriage resources - my Healthy Expectations Worksheet and my Marriage Health Quiz for FREE when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. Discover the spiritual + emotional + relational wellbeing and abundance God has for you! Get Yours Now!!

---

About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Thirteen Keys To Amazing Sex With Your Spouse

Do you want amazing sex with your spouse?  Turns out there is some pretty strong research done by Normal Bar Study and John Gottman that has found unique behaviors in marriages that are consistent across cultures and countries, as well as socio-economic and religious backgrounds.

What their research showed is simple —there is a clear set of habits that couples who have great sex are routinely doing.  In addition, couples who struggle with sex, statistics show, are notdoing these very same things.

Having a great sex life is not rocket science. It is not difficult. Here are thirteen keys to amazing sex with your spouse.

1.  Tell your spouse, “I love you,” every day and mean it.  

No quid pro quo, no manipulation, no, I’ll do it if you do it.  We each have a choice to bless our marriages with healthy behaviors or not. Focus on the qualities of your mate you love and make the decision to speak your love authentically and regularly. 

2.  Kiss your husband/wife passionately for no reason.

Give a passionate kiss and many people feel they are being prepped for sex.  Try giving a kiss for no ulterior motive and watch the intimacy build in your relationship. It feels safe, free, with no strings attached.  There is nothing more intimate than that.

3.  Give surprise romantic gifts.

Gifts don’t have to be elaborate or expensive, but giving a gift lets your spouse know you are thinking about them and are focused on nurturing the intimacy in your relationship.  

4.  Know what turns your partner on or off sexually.

Our sex life mirrors our emotional life with our spouse. Healthy spouses are always curious about each other, wanting to learn more, understand more, so they can respect their wants and needs, and keep reaching towards the other thereby cultivating greater acceptance, safety, and closeness.

5. Be affectionate with your spouse, even in public.

Our children need to see us being affectionate.  They need to see us holding hands, or reaching to put a hand around each other’s waist.  Safe. Connected. Welcoming the other into our personal space.  Touch is a vital part of intimacy.  Nurture it outside the bedroom and watch what happens inside the bedroom.

6.  Keep playing together.

Why do couples stop playing together once they get married? In my practice, I hear so many couples talk about how much fun they had together while they were dating only to have that disappear after the wedding.  Find a leisure activity to enjoy together (without the kids).  Play board games together.  Laugh together.  Our relationships need time away from the responsibilities of life just to relax, unwind, and connect emotionally.

7.  Cuddle. Yes, cuddle.

Cuddling is an essential ingredient to great sex. Cuddling moves beyond the casual gestures of affection and allows us to hold each other tight, increasing our safety and secure attachment with our mate. It creates a world where there are just two people, where nothing outside can get it.  It allows both to feel the other is there for them in a healthy way.

8.  Make sex a priority, not the last item on your to-do list.

I know —this kids, work, soccer practice —no way, right? We’re exhausted by the end of the day and the last thing on our minds is sex.  Perhaps some of our priorities need to be re-evaluated.  Perhaps we have overextended our schedules and responsibilities, and something needs to go.  Sometimes our schedules are simply the easiest excuse to keep us from having to make room for our spouse, ourselves, our bodies, and our souls, to keep us from becoming that vulnerable.  

Our relationship needs us to make room for sex.  God created sex and He said it was good. Stop running.  Stop excusing.  Make it a priority and your relationship will be blessed.

9.  Nurture your friendship.

I don’t know about you, but I fell in love with my best friend. I need his friendship.  I need that safe place to share my heart and soul —to dream dreams, to mourn losses.  Friendship builds a secure, strong foundation that can withstand the storms life will bring, but friendship also fuels warmth, fondness, passion, and desire — all of which are needed for a great sex life.  

Relationships that are built on passion alone prove to be roaring fires that extinguish themselves quickly.  Nurturing the friendship ignites a slow, simmering, flame that continues to smolder and grow over time.

10.  Talk openly, honestly, and comfortably about your sex life.

Being able to talk openly about sex is almost as good as sex —yeah, almost.  How freeing to be able to feel safe enough to share with each other openly, honestly, respectfully about what’s working well or what’s not working well in our sex life so we can move closer together and enjoy each other more fully.

11.  Have weekly dates.

Dates are becoming a lost art today.  Date night doesn’t have to be elaborate, it doesn’t have to be expensive, and it certainly doesn’t have to include dinner and a movie.  

My husband and I used to get away for breakfast or a coffee date routinely; sometimes we would meet at the gym or go to the park to take a walk.  A date is simply time we’ve set aside apart from the kids, work, phones, doctors’ appointments —everything— to continue to grow the relationship.  

12.  Take romantic vacations.

Many couples I meet with report they have never spent the night away from the kids.  Yet our relationship needs time away, time to focus on each other, time to enjoy each other. In the stresses of life, we sometimes lose the connection with our partner, we forget why we fell in love in the first place.  We need time away to reconnect, strengthen our bonds, and keep falling in love over and over again.

13. Always be intentional about turning toward your spouse.

Every day we find ourselves in situations where we have the opportunity to turn away from, or turn towards our spouses.  In moments of stress, we choose our children over our husband, we choose our work over our wives.  

Turning away from our spouse destroys the respect, the safety, the trust, leaving us feeling lonely and disconnected.  Keep turning towards, keep leaning in.  Your relationship will grow stronger because nothing will interfere with your relationship, and your sex life will become more rich, more satisfying than you could ever imagine.

What habits do you and your spouse currently practice?  What areas need some attention? How can you begin to look within yourself to determine how you can begin to invest in your relationship and your sex life?

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I've included my two best marriage resources - my Healthy Expectations Worksheet and my Marriage Health Quiz for FREE when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. Discover the spiritual + emotional + relational wellbeing and abundance God has for you! Get Yours Now!!

---

About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Are Your Expectations Helping Or Hurting Your Marriage

I didn’t get married until my thirties.  I was the girl who got lost in fairytales as a child and grew up with an emblazoned picture in my mind of what my marriage would look like.  I imagined a slightly demure pursuit like the one between Edward Ferrars and Elinor Dashwood in Sense and Sensibility, mixed with a little bit of the passion and drama of Wuthering Heights.  In the end I hoped we would get along like Ma and Pa Wilder from Little House on the Prairie, walking off into the sunset at the end of our lives.

I know —not exactly a realistic picture of marriage.  In many ways I had entirely unreasonable expectations for my poor husband to live up to. An expectation is, a strong belief that something will happen; the feeling, anticipation, or expectation in the prospects for the future. 

I believe all of us, if we’re honest, come to the table with expectations of what our marriage will be, what it will notbe (usually based on our childhood), along with hopes for what our spouse will heal, fix, fill, or complete in us.

We believe:

• It will be easy to transition from single to married.

• I’ll never be lonely again.

• I won’t be bored anymore.

• We’ll never argue.

• He’ll change after we’re married, in the ways I want him to.

• He’ll know how I feel and what I want; I shouldn’t need to tell him.

• He’ll do chores the way I want them done.

• Sex will always be great.

Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Marriage, says, We have to stop asking of marriage what God never designed it to give — perfect happiness, conflict-free living, and idolatrous obsession. Instead,he says, we can appreciate what God designed marriage to provide: partnership, spiritual intimacy and the ability to pursue God — together.

If you are waiting on someone else to make your life meaningful and happy, you will almost certainly be gravely disappointed, says Todd Clements and Kim Beair, authors of First Comes Love, Then What? When you learn how to be truly happy alone, you’ll begin to be the most successful in every relationship.

Every marriage is made up of broken individuals living in a broken world. Yet if we allow Him, God will use our marriage as the canvas to heal us, teach us, and transform us as individuals.

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The truth is:

• Getting married is a big Change. It takes time to adjust to your new roles and to each other.

• One person cannot satisfy all your needs for companionship. Maintain friendships with others.

• You are responsible for keeping yourself entertained and interesting. It’s not your partner's job.

• Conflicts occur in close relationships. You can learn to manage them well.

• “What you see is what you get.” Don’t expect your spouse to change basic character traits or habits.

• They can’t read your mind. If you want your partner to know something, you should to tell them.

• It’s better to give and receive graciously than to get all even-Steven about what’s “fair.”

• Your spouse's standards and ways are likely to be different from yours. This is okay. Accepting our differences is a part of building a healthy, cooperative partnership.

• Sex should often be great but not every single time. Good communication helps here too.

If you identified with any of the beliefs at the beginning of this article, you most likely hold some unrealistic expectations for your marriage.  You’re not alone —such beliefs are widespread. In my clinical practice I see the damage unrealistic and unhealthy expectations can create in marriages, yet I also see the powerful transformation that occurs when spouses learn to free each other, accept each other, and actually enjoy their differences. 

Psalm 62:5 (NKJV) tells us, My soul, wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him.

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If you struggle with knowing how to create healthy expectations, I’ve created two of my best resources for couples, including a Marriage Expectation Worksheetas well as a Marriage Health Quiz to help you assess the health of your relationship and learn to develop healthy expectations for each other. They are FREEwhen you subscribe to my weekly newsletter and will empower and equip you to discover the spiritual, emotional, and relational healing and wellbeing you’ve always desired!

Here are four things you can do to develop healthy expectations for your marriage that will bring you the connection and intimacy God has designed for you.

1. Acknowledge that you have expectations.

            Individuals who either refuse to abandon their laundry list of unmet expectations or who have never allowed themselves to hold any in their relationships find themselves disconnected from a key stabilizing force that, if used properly, can yield tremendous joy and intimacy.  

            We cannot change what we cannot acknowledge.  Whether realistic or unrealistic, we each carry expectations for the marriage and for our spouse. In reality, not all expectations are bad or unhealthy, yet acknowledging their power can determine the stability, contentment, and satisfaction in our marriages.

2.  Discover and clarify what your expectations are.

            Do a personal inventory. What do you personally expect in the various areas of your marriage? Do you have expectations for roles and responsibilities; expectations for respect? What about how you will communicate or resolve conflict? What are your expectations surrounding work, parenting, sex, faith, or finances?

            Since each of us comes from different backgrounds and home environments, we cannot assume that we are automatically going to be on the same page as our spouse, even though we love them deeply.  To discover and clarify your personal expectations will help you take the next step and…

3.  Share your expectations with your spouse.

            I encourage you to get the Marriage Expectation Worksheet to help you and your partner work through each step in discovering, then sharing your expectations for each other, as well as your expectations for yourselves. Many individuals like defining what they want their spouse to do for them, but some are reluctant to look within themselves and hold themselves accountable in their relationship.  

            Share your heart for the other with the other.  Don’t expect them to be a mind-reader, tell them what you desire from them. Be kind. Listen to each other. Determine if what your mate is asking is realistic or unrealistic.  This will help you…

4.  Create mutual, realistic expectations together.

            When expectations get cut to the floor, it creates space for us to pick them up and rebuild them with greater determination. Discovering new, more realistic expectations can reenergize your marriage and reignite intimacy.

            Pray together.  If one thing doesn’t work for you and your spouse, have another conversation and try something else. If both parties are working towards a solution, and putting in the effort, expectations meeting reality is not a hard goal to achieve.

Marriage is a beautiful, complex gift from God. Yes, there are hard times. There will always be growing pains, tension, and irritation, but God knows that it takes growing pains to grow.

Don’t run from the pain, don’t avoid the discomfort.  God wants to build and create something in your marriage that will be a shining light in a world of darkness, something that will breathe healing and hope into the lives around you —something that will make His name famous. 

And isn’t that what marriage is all about anyway?

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I've included my two best marriage resources - my Healthy Expectations Worksheet and my Marriage Health Quiz for FREE when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. Discover the spiritual + emotional + relational wellbeing and abundance God has for you! Get Yours Now!!

---

About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

My Prayer for 2019 – How To Hope For Things That Feel Hopeless

It was that dreaded sound —the sound of hope giving way to defeat. The ache right in the center of your chest when a dream flies away before your eyes and no amount of chasing can bring it back within your grasp.  

Sometimes it is easier to give up hope than to hold on to something that brings with it such pain and uncertainty.  It seems easier to let it go, to let life go and accept defeat.  We wonder why we hope anyway?  But at times when hope seems like a cruel joke meant to terrorize the tender shoots of vision, of vulnerability, of boldness struggling to find some light, hope reminds me that there is no cruelty here.  The gift of hope becomes rain poured over cracked, broken dreams, that somehow forces life to break through the soil and find their way towards the sun.

Hope is an anchor

Hope keeps me anchored and rooted, not to my dreams, but to Him.  Though my dreams can be uncertain and faithful, He alone is faithful.  The goals for my life cannot provide peace or strength or sustenance on this sometimes desolate journey.  Only God can provide any semblance of peace. Strength. 

Hope alone calms me, calls me, reminds me of my core identity as Lisa, the Beloved of her Father. Hope holds all things —my tears, my sorrows, my deepest cravings for things I feel I cannot live without. Hope holds my past, my present, and my future.  

So when your hope has run dry, when the mountain ahead seems insurmountable, go ahead, jump in the game, climb on His back.  He’s got this big old thing called life.  Yeah, He’s got it right in the palm of his hands.

I’ve tried it so many times without Him.  There have been days that I sat and told Him, yes I looked Him right in the eyes and told Him I wanted to do things my way.  But my way has always led me right back here.  Usually exhausted.  Defeated. Hope-less.

So where is there left to run to?  I’m either all-in this “hope thing” or I’m all-out.  And I’ve got to be in.  

The truth is, none of us knows what lies ahead.  We don’t know if or when we’re going to see the tiny visions we’ve carried for so long in our hearts burst forth and see the light of day.  We don’t.  In this life there are no guarantees.  Like my daddy used to tell me, the only thing that’s guaranteed is death and taxes.  I didn’t know then how right he was.

Hope would be easier to hold if it had a date on our calendar or a place on the map.  Easier to believe if someone whispered the answer in your ears. But hope isn’t a location, I’ve come to learn the hard way. Hope isn’t a destination —Hope is a person.  

We can keep telling ourselves that hope will come tomorrow, or we can start living with Hope today. Choosing Hope right here, right now. Wherever you are.  Whatever you face.

Choosing Hope

What are you choosing today? Are you choosing doubt, despair, fear, paralysis?  Are you choosing isolation, loneliness?

Or are you choosing Hope? Will you leave behind the cynical voice inside your head that tells you that nothing good happens for you?  Will you uncross the arms of distance that keeps you safe from stepping into your future and taking the risk of going all-in —no safety net underneath you, no guarantees for success?  

Will you open your heart and remember that Hope isn’t some elusive thing out there.  Hope is right here —inside your heart.  Hope is the place you start from, not the place you end. Hope hopes —in all things, for all things.  Because Hope hung on a cross and died for our wounds, our transgressions, our most broken places….Hope endures, comes alive, is a promise for all of us.

But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.  Isaiah 40:31 (NIV)

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.  Romans 15:13 (NIV)

Yeah, I heard that dreaded sound.  I felt that familiar ache in my chest. And I chose Hope anyway.

What will you choose?

---

About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

The One Thing Your New Year Needs Most

The busyness of the holidays is over. 

The tornado that has been swirling since October is beginning to dissipate and I feel like I might just be able to come up for air.  Exhale —inhale.  

New endings and new beginnings.  Just like that.

I exhale reflections of times past, opportunities seized and opportunities lost.  Perhaps.  There are milestones and gravestones.  I measure the beautiful people and experiences that have meandered across my cobbled little path on my journey and give thanks.

I inhale new hope (which at times is so hard), as well as new visions.  More than anything I am learning to inhale what matters more to me than anything —and that is the gift of presence.

Years ago I read this quote by Henri Nouwen that speaks so powerfully to my own ideals and selfish agendas:

            “More and more, the desire grows in me simply to walk around, greet people, enter their homes, sit on their doorsteps, play ball, throw water, and be known as someone who wants to live with them. It is a privilege to have the time to practice this simple ministry of presence. Still, it is not as simple as it seems. My own desire to be useful, to do something significant, or to be part of some impressive project is so strong that soon my time is taken up by meetings, conferences, study groups, and workshops that prevent me from walking the streets. It is difficult not to have plans, not to organize people around an urgent cause, and not to feel that you are working directly for social progress. But I wonder more and more if the first thing shouldn’t be to know people by name, to eat and drink with them, to listen to their stories and tell your own, and to let them know with words, handshakes, and hugs that you do not simply like them, but truly love them.”

I recognize the ministry of presence, as Nouwen describes, is not about being social.  It is about being intentional.  Intentional with what matters most to God —His children. In the truest sense, one cannot truly experience the presence of another until he has experienced the presence of himself (and survived).  And one cannot —cannotexperience the full presence of himself unless he has encountered and embraced the Presence of Abba, Father.  God.  Through His Son Jesus Christ.

So as you move into this new year, as you exhale what has been and inhale what will be, skip the lists, forgo the agenda.  Focus instead on the ministry of presence, and watch the transformation that unfolds. 

Make time to encounter God each day. 

I know, I know. Sounds so simple.  Yet when was the last time you were fully present with God? When did you last silence the noise of the world and still the clamoring of your heart to simply BE in the Presence of God?  To settle in and experience your belovedness.  Nothing else.  Just your belovedness.

Maybe this is already a daily practice for you, maybe it sounds completely foreign.  I encourage you this year to make the ministry of Presence first and foremost with your Father.  Visit with Him.  Sit in solitude with Him.  Breathe deeply in His Presence.  Pour your heart out to Him, read about Him in His Word. 

He will transform you. His Word says it and we can know it is true.  We will find nothing that fills our souls, nothing that completes us, or gives us the meaning we are searching for other than the One who created us.  Breathed His life into us.  Called us His own.  Invite Him into your heart today.  Invite Him into your schedule this year.

Carve out time to nourish your soul.

We know scientifically that good self-care reduces stress, lowers anxiety and depression.  But caring for our souls takes us on a lifelong journey of healing, of growth, of self-discovery.  

Since we are God’s creation and He thought what He created was good, shouldn’t we spend time getting to know ourselves —our physical and emotional identities, our ways of experiencing the world around us, our passions and purpose?  Shouldn’t we better understand why we think, feel, and engage the way we do so that we can continue on our healing journeys and allow God to transform those areas of our heart?

Every one of us has in him a continent of undiscovered character. Blessed is he who acts the Columbus to his own soul.

_ Author Unknown

Soul-care is not selfish. It isn’t.  And it isn’t self-centered.  It is being rooted and planted in Christ, and becoming intentional to grow a solid, strong identity so that we can give ourselves fully to those He has called us to serve.  And love. That is the ministry of presence.

Carve out time to have a coffee and breathe.  Settle into your body.  Feel the feelings that have become buried or discarded throughout the day.  Name your feelings.  Be present with them.  Understand them.  Talk yourself through them.  Release them to the Father.

Be intentional about nurturing your relationships.

As Nouwen says, our desires tend to focus on tasks, agendas, schedules.  They seem so safe.  At times the ministry of presence with others can feel unsafe.  Humans are broken and our brokenness makes the terrain of relationships potentially messy.

Yet the ministry of presence is precisely what God calls each of us to embrace.  No one will remember the size of your bank account. They won’t remember the award you won at work.  They will remember being with you and experiencing the beauty, the love, the life and everything in between with you.  They will remember the experience of His presence pouring through you.  Love.  God’s love.

So as I enter these first few moments of the new year, this is my focus:

Exhale—My disappointments . My failures.  My sorrows. Inhale— God’s love, His delight, His compassion.

Exhale —My agenda, my plans, my desires.  Inhale —the ministry of presence with God, with myself, with others.

Exhale —Discouragement, doubt, comparison.  Inhale —hope, contentment, gratitude.  

And gratitude brings with it joy.  Joy tells us that while things are going haywire in this world, God is in control.  Joy tells us that in the face of the world’s definition of success, we are enough.  Joy finds itself alive when our hearts are most settled in the Father’s presence.

That is where I want to be in 2019 —settled in His presence.  

How about you?

---

About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

For the Weary and Wounded, There is Always Room in the House Called Mercy

His eyes were piercing.As we sat down, he began to tell me his story —of growing up in a small town in east Texas, of doing meth, dealing meth, of living life in the darkness of racism that hung as a heavy shadow over his Aryan community.

He didn’t want change at first, didn’t know what change was, what hope was, what mercy felt like in this savage world of survival.With a dad nowhere to be found, there was a hole so big in his heart that was longing to be filled.All he wanted was to be accepted, wanted, loved.Don’t we all?

That’s when Mercy called.When he was at his lowest, fighting a bacteria from some bad drugs that had left his arm wide open and perhaps his heart wide open, too —that’s when someone reached out and asked Donovan if he was ready, if he had had enough?Backed into a corner with few options, he said ‘yes,’ he left behind his son and his mom, and showed up at the front steps of this new season, new life.

Salvador’s journey led him to a courtroom with 17 years in prison staring him in the face.No one was on his side, it seemed.No one except Mercy. Sitting in the courtroom, hearing the judge read off the harshest sentences one by one to those before him, hope began to fade.

Even his probation officer spoke against him.Yet God stepped in and the house called Mercy became his home.He left behind his family and his kids, too.He walked away from the streets, the dealing, everything he thought he needed to live, to discover the One he couldn’t live without.

He had heard about this person called Jesus in jail, began thinking about Him, reading about Him, until the day came when he embraced Him with his whole heart.

Jamie was the oldest of these Mercy House guys.At 36 years old, he had a wife, kids, faith —and an addiction that destroyed everything he thought he had built.Having already been in two prior Christian men’s programs, this was his last hope.

And Mercy, just as steady as a rock, reached out and claimed him as its own.Pouring into him new life, new skills, an entirely new way of dealing with his thoughts and emotions, Jamie began to embrace his faith and his brokenness differently than he had ever done before.

Mark came from a different world, a different state, a different life.His was not a story of poverty, of abandonment, yet the addiction that held him captive for years was no less powerful.

Little by little God began to speak to him about this place called Mercy.He resisted, he ran as far as he could, he pushed back against the notion of help.And then the day came when he relented.Gave in.Gave up everything to make his way to this new place, this new home, with new hope for a new future.

Though each of our stories may be different than Donovan’s, Salvador’s, Jamie’s, or Mark’s, though we may never have been held captive by addiction like these men, we were each in our own broken story, writing the lines of our own addictions, our own wounds, our own depravity.

We will all have to choose to either live in our brokenness or grab hold of God’s mercy and let it transform us totally, completely. 

This is the first work of God—that He is merciful to all who are ready to do without their own opinion, right, wisdom, and all spiritual goods, and willing to be poor in spirit.– Martin Luther

Brokenness will always lead us to despair, but Hope will always be calling, and Mercy will always know us by name.

There are three lessons I learned from my visit with the Mercy House men that remain true for each of us on our spiritual journeys.

It is never too late to be rescued by Mercy.

We say, No, not me.I’m good.

You’re not.We’re not.We are all broken.We all need a life-altering encounter with the person of Jesus.We need to be rescued from ourselves —our sin, our diseases.

As the foundation for God’s Covenant, mercy then comes to be seen as, the quality in God that directs him to forge a relationship with people who absolutely do not deserve to be in relationship with him. Mercy is manifested in God's activity on behalf of his people to free them from slavery.

Several Hebrew words are associated with God’s mercy.Kapporeth– means ransom, propitiation, or mercy seat. Racham – means to love, to have compassion, or to show mercy.Chesed – means goodness, kindness, mercifulness, or loving-kindness.

Mercy is the gift from a compassionate, loving, good God that pays the ransom and removes the consequences that we deserve, giving us a new beginning, a new chance, a brand new life.

1 Peter 2:10 (NIV) tells us, Once you were not a people; but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.

James 5:11 (NIV) shares,As you know, we count as blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.

Titus 3:5 (NIV) declares, He saved us not because of righteous things we had done, but because of His mercy.

No matter where you are, what your addiction is —to alcohol, to drugs, to food, to perfection, to people, to things— it is never too late to be rescued by God's mercy.

Call out.Reach out.God will meet you right where you are and will rescue you from everything that hangs as a noose around your neck and threatens to crack beneath you and destroy your life.  He will save you.He is the Savior of the world.Of me, of you.Trust Him.

When Mercy calls, it will change your life and change your name.

Where we each were once called by our sin, our shame.

We were called:

- failure

-loser

-worthless

-unloved

-hopeless

-rejected

-orphan

But God's mercy changes us from the inside out, gives us a new chance, a new future, a new name.

Mercy sees us and calls us:

-redeemed

-restored

-worthy

-loved

-hopeful

-chosen

-child

By what name do you call yourself?  In what kind of environment do you reside? Do you reside with shame and allow it to define your heart and your future?Or do you live in a house called Mercy, filled with compassion and kindness?Do you let Mercy Himself define your identity and direct your steps?

Your name is your identity.Declare your identity as the Beloved.Cling to it.Allow it to seep into every cell of your being and keep you close to the Father.You are His child.Your position in His family is secure.Nothing and no one can change that one fact.

Isaiah 62:2 (NIV) tells us, The nations will see vindication, and all kings your glory; you will be called by a new name that the mouth of the LORD will bestow.

What is your new name?What do you need to call yourself?Begin calling yourself that today.Begin claiming it as your own.It will shape your future and awaken God’s destiny for your life.

There comes a time when we have to step out and live Mercy.

We all have times and seasons where God draws us to Himself for a time of healing, believing, growing, and dreaming.We love this house called Mercy.We love its safety and its peace.It reminds us how God never gave up on us.How He filled us with His grace and mercy.

And it is His mercy that we must now live.There always comes a time when we must leave this place and learn how to carry His mercy with us deep in our souls as we enter a new season with God.

Tucking the Gospel of Jesus in our hearts, we begin to extend that same love and mercy to those around us.We must move into our lives, our homes, our relationships, our workplace, and bring His mercy with us.Speak mercy.Pray mercy.Live mercy.

We are not as we once were.We are no longer blind, our faith no longer tender shoots that bend and sway with the wind.

We are maturing, growing stronger, steadier by the day.

We will stagnate if we stay.We must step out and live Mercy.

God has a plan and a purpose for each one of us.If we hold fast to mercy, if we stay close to His side, abiding in His love, He will bring His will to pass in our lives. We will be pouring mercy into other people’s lives. We will find our purpose.We will be living our destiny.

I Thess 5:24 (NIV)tells us, The One who called you is faithful and He will do it.

Do you trust Him enough to follow Him?Do you believe He has brought you this far?

Why then, would He bring you this far just to abandon you, or forsake you?  The answer is —He wouldn’t.

My encounter with a house called Mercy was stunning, compassion-stirring, captivating.I did not walk away unchanged.

What will you do with Mercy?Will you let it overwhelm you, stir you, captivate you?Above all, please don’t walk away from God's mercy unchanged.Let His mercy rescue you, let mercy give you a new name, let it transform you so that you can give it away in every situation and every circumstance.

One step at a time.One person at a time.

I want to ask each one of my readers, Will you take one of the names of the men listed in this post and will you write it down and commit to pray for them?Will you participate in the work that God is doing in their lives?

---

Mercy House

Mercy House is a biblically based, one-year residential program that daily invests in men to empower them to live out their best lives – free from addiction, rooted in their worth and purpose, and making a positive impact in the community around them.

Men who are trapped in addiction and life-controlling behaviors are being holistically transformed and launched into a lifetime of freedom, purpose, and life-giving community.

Men of Mercy House Video

https://vimeo.com/208404279

Mercy House Facebook Link

If you or a loved one who struggles with addiction, please reach out!

---

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Why Christians Need To Talk More About Sex

Crickets.Silence.An awkward hush.

That’s the sound heard among many groups in the church when the subject of sex surfaces.

I ask myself, Why?

Why would Christians —who know the beauty of God’s design as it is described in the Bible, who have the understanding about God’s plan for sex within our marriages —why would Christians cower in the corner and speak so little about a subject that matters so much?

It is often said that culture is upstream of politics.Yet culture wields a tremendous influence over every aspect of our lives regarding technology, education, artistic expression, and yes, sex.Culture has distilled an encompassing and powerful narrative that has shaken attitudes and beliefs about sex.

Unfortunately, many in the Christian community have refused to show up for the conversation, have ambivalently abdicated a seat at the cultural table —to equip and encourage couples with real information, real authenticity, and real power to cultivate a sexual relationship that is vulnerable, authentic, sometimes awkward, sometimes frustrating, yet more beautiful and intimate than anything we could have imagined.

Lies loom heaviest in dark places.Shame spreads where silence is the loudest.Transformation occurs when truth and compassion are spoken in the light.

Here are a few reasons why Christians need to talk more about sex:

To help heal our broken past

It’s hard to give ourselves fully to another when the pain of our past stands in the way.Past broken places.Past shame bleeds into present shame, holding us captive to fear and self-condemnation, which hangs low as a dark shadow over the corners of our hearts and prevents us from ever knowing or being known.Keeps us hidden behind stark walls of distance and disconnection.Protects us from ever climbing out of our shame-skin and making ourselves vulnerable, unmasked, and real with the person with whom we’ve chosen to spend the rest of our lives.

God doesn’t want us to live out of our past.He wants us to heal our past.He longs to restore and redeem. To see His blood washing over our souls, our minds, our aching wounds, and our most fragile broken places, so He can make us white as snow. Clean. Brand new.

He wants us to experience the freedom and boldness to embrace sex with our spouse and enjoy it fully as His good gift to us.Why don’t we as a church start talking about sexual wounds so that we can heal them? Let’s reclaim what the enemy has tried to steal.Let Him redeem and restore our past wounds in the way only He can.

To release unhealthy beliefs

Beliefs and attitudes don’t come with an easy on-off switch.I wish they did.When everything you’ve been taught is that sex is, bad-dirty-the worst, and that waiting is sure to bring amazing rewards, it is hard to wake up on your honeymoon and make the shift from puritan to sexual prowess.

Sometimes the beliefs that helped maintain our purity can hold us back from experiencing a healthy view of sexuality, and prevent us from being able to let down our guard and enjoy healthy sex with our mate.

Genesis 2:25 (NIV) states, And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

Why doesn’t the church talk about sex the way God intends?Why don’t we teach our men and our women healthy attitudes that will keep us reaching towards each other instead of beliefs that keep us shut down, turned away, crying alone in the dark.

Talking about God’s plan, His desires, His purpose for sex, can inspire a God-centered perspective of purity, and lead couples into a clear understanding, with more balanced expectations so that couples everywhere can thrive.

To empower greater intimacy

God created sex to keep couples face-to-face, eye-to-eye, and soul-to-soul, listening to each other, breathing and working as one through the challenges of life.The stresses and responsibilities are constantly vying for our attention, threatening to pull us apart, subtly driving us towards the daily distractions and away from each other.Little by little we become strangers and we’re not sure just how we forgot to admire, to lean in, to cling to each other.

Sometimes we buy into the notion that, I’m too tired, is okay for life.We get comfortable.We settle in.We rarely think of the cost to our relationship. We believe the lies that it will always be there when in fact, sometimes it won’t.

There is substantial clinical research that a healthy sex life has significant health benefits for couples, and even more, feeds the emotional connection in the marriage.

Dr. Siri Greenblatt, therapist and rabbi, suggests,

Couples who are more intimate or sexually active tend to be, on the whole, more fulfilled in all areas of their life…It is a blessing to be able to come together as a couple in a way you wouldn't with any other person. That is a shared vitality between you and your partner alone, and it is sacred.

Sacred.Yes, sex is a sacred union between a husband and a wife.Healthy sex is also a sacred expression of our faith, and yes, that’s why it is so important that we start talking about it.Working through it.Grappling with it. Growing in it.

To strengthen our faith

Great sex is a parable of the Gospel—to be utterly accepted in spite of your sin, to be loved by the One you admire to the sky._Tim Keller, The Gospel and Sex

Sex teaches us how to receive one another, as God receives us.Sex is the canvas that grows our compassion and cultivates connection, not in the absence of our weaknesses or failings, but most often, in spite of them.

How much more does a healthy sex life keep us grateful to an overwhelming God who loves us, reaches towards us, and gives Himself to us in spite of our doubt, our sorrow, and distrust.

And his goal in creating human beings with personhood and passion was to make sure that there would be sexual language and sexual images that would point to the promises and the pleasures of God’s relationship to his people and our relationship to him.In other words, the ultimatereason (not the only one) why we are sexual is to make God more deeply knowable._John Piper, Sex and the Supremacy of Christ

So, can we let the cat out of the bag?Can we break through the awkwardness, the silence and actually begin the conversation about sex?Can we talk about it from the pulpit without offending someone?Can we talk about it in our Bible studies without fearing we will embarrass ourselves?

So many couples struggle in the darkness.It is about time we in the church help walk them into the light.

God’s goodness is in the light.

His healing is in the light.

His understanding and hope is in the light.

His power to transform is in the light.

Let’s move past the awkwardness.Let’s bravely step out of the silence.

Let’s start talking more about sex and step into the freedom, the hope, the future that God has for us in the light!

---

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Why Embracing Our Brokenness Is Necessary For Us To Be Whole

  We equate wholeness with perfection, with having it all together, with success. Yet the meaning of wholeness is perhaps just the opposite.

Wholeness, at its very core, implies rather than an absence of brokenness, the innate existence of a fractured, fragile, astoundingly imperfect self. Wholeness, is about embracing our brokenness as an integral part of life.

For most of my life, I longed to be whole. I was hungry for it. Desperate. I became vigilant, some might say obsessed with achieving, attaining. My focus was on becoming as perfect as I could be, on removing any faults or defects. For me, the finish line of success was where I would become whole.

As I walked through the “season of my undoing” and stumbled upon the door of my healing, I discovered that I could lay down this mountain of pain I had been carrying, that I didn’t have to become perfect, that I could accept, even embrace my brokenness.

Embracing my brokenness allows me breathe.

It is exhausting to carry the weight of shame and fear on my shoulders. Impossible to bear up under such an insurmountable and unforgiving oppressor – me.

My Abba Father whispered to my soul, Child, Why do you carry such a weight when my Son already carried it for you?

He hung on the cross for every broken place, every shame, every sorrow. Our past was redeemed. Our present is His gift to us, free and clear. And our future is secure. Why do we insist on placing the weight of our shame back on our shoulders?

I think that if God forgives us we must forgive ourselves. Otherwise, it is almost likesetting up ourselves as a higher tribunal than Him. _C.S. Lewis

Wholeness allows me to see myself as God sees me, through the eyes of love, of grace, of compassion as big as the universe. Through His tender, aching eyes I can see more clearly who I am. I am His beloved.

Embracing my brokenness allows me to have greater communion with others.

Comparison is the thief of intimacy. External validation is but heroin to a broken, striving soul. And thus we can never truly be with others as long as we are so terribly needy of them for our fulfillment.

We all come to the table of community broken. We are all like Peter himself, stumbling along our journeys with Jesus, bringing our mess-ups and our failings, our weakest sensibilities to our brothers and sisters in Christ. To be encouraged, strengthened, comforted, and built up together. Yes, together.

Settling into a newfound rhythm of release—from needing what others cannot give, and embracing an identity that no one can steal away—we are at once home with our brothers and sisters. Accepting their humanity allows us to embrace our own.

As long as you are proud you cannot know God. A proud man is always looking down on things and people: and, of course, as long as you are looking down you cannot see something that is above you. _C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Embracing my brokenness creates greater intimacy with God.

Nothing stands between us. No longer needing pretense to validate my existence, I can allow myself to come right up to His outstretched arms and dive in. I am utterly and divinely safe. I have no need to hide. No need to fear. He is here. He is with me. Embracing my brokenness tears down the wall and creates full, unfettered intimacy and vulnerability with the Creator of my soul.

Isaiah 53:5 (NIV) tells us, But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.

How can it be? When we're naked and ashamed and alone in our brokenness, Christ envelops us with His intimate grace. When we're rejected and abandoned and feel beyond wanting, Jesus cups our face: "Come close, my Beloved." When we're dirty and tear-stained and despairing, Jesus Christ is attracted to us and proposes undying love: "All that you're carrying I take... and all that I am is yours." How do you ever get over that? _Ann Voskamp, The Broken Way

Embracing my brokenness allows my authentic self to grow.

I am learning to see all the parts and pieces of me as one singular, beautiful mosaic. As I learn to hold the myriad of shapes and shards in my hands, I can finally see them through the eyes of compassion, as He sees them. This is the sacred place where God moves me from being healed to being whole.

God uses broken things. It takes broken soil to produce a crop, broken clouds to give rain, broken grain to give bread, broken bread to give strength. It is the broken alabaster box that gives forth perfume. It is Peter, weeping bitterly, who returns to greater power than ever. _Vance Havner

Brokenness keeps me planted in the good soil of redemption.

Brokenness keeps me drenched in the love I cannot live without.

Brokenness is the one thing that keeps me reaching for, clinging to the Truth that molds me, and transforms me into who I am not yet, but who I am becoming.

Brokenness does not make me weak.  It  is perhaps the strongest part of who I am.

Because in my most broken, wounded, fragile places, I know He is strong.

---

About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

My Prayer For New Things and New Dreams In 2018

Revelation 21:5 (ESV)And He who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also He said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

Sometimes it is the hardest thing to stay as clay, soft and supple. Sometimes the cold is so bitter the safest thing to do is to bury wounds deep enough we never have to risk them seeing the light of day, of being exposed.

But buried wounds only grow more brittle and cracked with time. Buried wounds never feel the warmth of tender hands leaning in to lovingly caress weary soul-sores.  Nor do they feel the fire of life as blood flows in and covers the most broken and raw aches that have left us limping for so long.

Yes, in many ways we’ve grown accustomed to our limp. We barely recognize the unconscious compensation, the halting steps, the fatigue. The wound is ours and along our path it has somehow become our identity.

So when the Spirit sweeps into our heart and whispers, behold I am making all things new, we feel certain He doesn’t mean that.

Surely there are other areas for Him to mature or meddle, whichever end of the emotional scope we perceive He is peering.

Dear one, you can be sure He means that.

Don’t run away. This time, this year, be kinder, more intentional with yourself. Don’t busy yourself with other’s growth, other’s healing so that you distract yourself from your own.

Healing is where the plow is laid for a harvest of life, of love to grow.

[clickToTweet tweet="Healing is where the plow is laid for a harvest of life, of love to grow." quote="Healing is where the plow is laid for a harvest of life, of love to grow."]

Ann Voskamp describes, New life happens in you when you aren’t afraid of the deaths that happen before resurrections.

Don’t allow the enemy to steal your next resurrection. Don’t allow him to keep you wandering in the wasteland.

Isaiah 43:19 (NIV) encourages us, See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

So as you enter this year, risk a little more. It takes courage to go with God into our soul spaces and allow Him to reveal areas He wants to heal in you.

Where is He leading you this year?

What are the areas of your life He wants to bring healing, to breathe life?

What is the old He is calling you to make new in 2018?

It may get a little messy. That’s okay.  The deepest meaning is cultivated from the messes He has made beautiful.

More than anything, keep your eyes on the prize. Can you not perceive it?, the verse asks. Don’t let the enemy lull you into a dim vision of your future, your destiny. Hold onto the freedom God has for you.

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) reinforces God’s truth when He says, For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I am excited to walk with you to encourage you along your healing path, to comfort you in your sorrows, and to cheer you in your successes. I am excited to see how God takes a little healing from each of our lives and uses that to bring healing in the lives of those around us.

Full circle.  Yes, full circle.

If you have a specific prayer, a goal, a place that God wants to breathe into this year, please email me, message me, PM me. It will always be confidential, but I would love to pray with you specifically this year!

About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

When You Feel Soul-Weary and Saddle-Worn On Your Journey To The Manger

Luke 2:1-20 (NIV)

It happens sometimes. Most years Christmas is a time of joy, filled with decorations and celebrations, gatherings and festivities.  Still, there are some years my journey to the manger feels more lonely, more overwhelmed, more soul-weary, and saddle-worn than I could have imagined.

Do you ever feel that way? Sometimes I wonder if that’s how Joseph and Mary felt on their journey to the manger?

I can only imagine that the dusty, dirty road to Bethlehem in those last days of her pregnancy drained every ounce of Mary’s energy from her bones; the  soreness of her swollen belly and the ache of her ankles having travelled all those miles when all she wanted to do was rest and prepare for her baby’s birth. Perhaps she and Joseph arrived at the inn too weary and too exhausted to go one step further.

Mary and Joseph’s journey to the manger certainly wasn’t ideal. They weren’t settled, they weren’t rested. They weren’t. They were barely holding on. And when they finally stumbled into the stable, finally made a pallet to lay their heads, He.  Met. Them.  Yes, He met them, right in the humblest, dimmest, messiest of places.

Maybe that’s how Abba, Father wanted it. Maybe He didn’t want Mary and Joseph to be dressed in their finest for baby Jesus' arrival. Maybe He didn’t need them to set a table fit for a king. Maybe God in His infinite wisdom knew this King would spend His life reaching out to the broken, healing the diseased, and loving the outcast. How fitting that Jesus be born in a way that He lived —meeting people right where they were and transforming everything simply with His presence.

Isn’t that just like Jesus is with us on our journey? He sees the road we’ve been on. He knows the sorrow in our bones and the cry of our hearts. He isn’t waiting for any of His children to get fixed up to embrace and love us. He meets us right where we are. He makes His glorious entrance in the middle of our mess, in the moment of our need. He does. Always. That’s who He is. He is Jesus. God with us. And He longs to be with you, right where you are today.

When you feel soul-weary and saddle-worn on your journey to the manger

The journey to the manger isn’t always ideal, isn’t always easy or joy-filled. You don’t need to wait until next year to invite Him in. You don’t need to get more healed to allow Him into your life. You don’t need to pretend until the season passes by. Don’t. Please, don’t.

Come to Him. Call out to Him. He will hear you, He will forgive you. He will make everything new. No matter what you feel like today, He is waiting to make His entrance into your heart, your life, your world. He will meet you with His love, His grace, His glory – right there at the manger.

---

About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

How To Find Thanksgiving In The Middle Of Your Pain

It was a routine procedure. Nothing to worry about.

The morning my mother went into the hospital for a heart cath procedure, everything was fairly typical. We prayed on my way to work. I spoke with my dad shortly afterwards. Nothing atypical. Nothing unusual.

She had come through fine and was in recovery. Dad was upbeat and calm. She would be released a little later, he offered.

So after my next session, when I checked my phone, I noticed a text from my husband. It said simply, Call me.

Stepping outside, I called him to find out that just a few minutes after my phone call with Dad, something had gone wrong. Dad had called Mark in a full panic, sobbing with worry for Mom.

Mark was out the door instantly, talking with Dad and calming him down as he drove to the hospital. He called the pastor, my aunt and my brother. Informed them of the circumstances.

Mom had started passing out. Several times. The final time the nurses immediately rushed her to the CCU and tried to get her stabilized.

I felt helpless. Though I couldn’t get to her, my heart and my mind reeled. My schedule was completely full and there was no way to cancel my clients. I simply prayed.

Over the next several hours her condition improved and she was able to go home the next day. What a blessing. A sacred exhale.

It doesn’t always work that way, though. Life doesn’t always give us the desired ending. The miracle. The answered prayer. It doesn’t.

So how can we hold onto hope, how can we muster any shred of gratitude or thanksgiving when our world has been torn apart, when the unthinkable happens?

Whether you have lost a loved one to cancer or divorce, whether you are sinking beneath the weight of depression, loneliness, or heartache, here are two ways to find thanksgiving in the middle of your pain.

Rest In His Faithfulness

The Lord knows where you are. He knows what you have endured. He sees your pain and weeps with you over your sorrow.

Lamentations 3:22-23 (ESV) tells us, The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Psalm 147:3 (NIV) shares, He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name.  Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit.

Psalm 34:18 (NIV) also encourages, The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

He doesn’t want you to hide your pain. Nor does He want you to pretend your brokenness away.

He wants you to be honest, acknowledge your deepest wounds, and reach out for help in your season of grief. Don’t walk this season alone.

We are all in the journey together. We need each other. We need to walk with and comfort each other right where we are. We are the hands and feet of Christ to the hurting. We are wounded healers, if we choose to be.

Acknowledge the Small Things

Find ways, small ways, to be thankful. Even in your grief, look around to notice goodness around you. As needful as it is to acknowledge your pain, it is as needful to acknowledge God’s goodness.

Our healing is stalled when we focus solely on our loss, our sorrow. Find something, anything, for which you can offer thanks. It will move you forward through your pain and slowly give you hope for a new day. A new season. Healing.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (NIV) tells us to, Rejoice always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Even in hard times, we can trust the character of God. Even when the circumstances make no sense. We give thanks that God is good. He is not evil. He is not arbitrary. God has a reason for everything He does, whether we can understand it in the moment, or not.

Henri Nouwen beautifully describes,

Perhaps nothing helps us make the movement from our little selves to a larger world than remembering God in gratitude.

Such a perspective puts God in view in all of life, not just in the moment we set aside for worship or spiritual disciplines.

Not just in the moment when life seems easy.

It can challenge every ounce of our being, yet walking through this season with a balance of honesty, authenticityandgratitude will yield a heart healed, a quiet mind, and the beauty of hope for the seasons to come.

Blessings to you and your family this Thanksgiving! With love from my heart to yours.

Let’s not be afraid to look at everything that has brought us to where we are now and trust that we will soon see in it the guiding hand of a loving God. _Henri Nouwen

Sometimes it can be hard to find anything to be thankful for when we are in pain. The holidays can be the most difficult time of year for many adults, men, women, and children. Here are a few ways to find Thanksgiving in the middle of the pain.

---

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Is Rest The Forgotten Key To Your Emotional Wellbeing?

Rest. Typically not a word in my vocabulary.

I was coming up to the weeks before my vacation, barely hanging on by a thread. I didn’t even notice how tired I was. My body moved slowly, numbly in its predictable, mechanical motions of the day. Though I accomplished all of my responsibilities, it grew challenging to be present, much less to focus. I could hardly tell how cloudy my mind had become. How disconnected I felt. Unsteady.

The travel rituals that usually include a fun summer read, some writing, catching up on emails, this time contained sleep and a half-dozed perusal of “The Shack,” that I had wanted to see for some time, but now could barely recall any scenes, if you asked. My only collected awareness was that the seat beside me was miraculously empty, leaving me just enough space to twist my feeble limbs in a sequence of contorted positions, all in pursuit of a little rest.

The first few nights away I noticed how heavy my sleep was, as if someone was holding me in a cavernous, murky, basin of darkness, which I was helpless to fight against and could only shyly succumb. It felt good somehow. Slowly, sweetly, sleep became more rhythmic, more unassuming, allowing me to wake rested and refreshed.

Was my body finally telling me that it had worked too hard, carried too heavy a load —or was I, for the first time in a long while, listening? It can be so hard for me to listen sometimes. Hard for all of us, if we’re honest.

Have we grown so accustomed to silencing the needs of our bodies that the state of exhaustion is normal? Have we developed patterns of pushing through, all the while applauding our woeful disregard for our soul’s care and nurturing?

We live in a world where late nights and early mornings validate our human struggle, where doing without physical or emotional sustenance equates with a personal suffrage of sorts. We pass the days telling ourselves when this project is over or this season is done, then we can rest, then we can breathe. Quietly, we believe our own lies.

Lies that tell us —

…we are not enough.

…we don’t deserve good things.

…love must be for others, not for us.

…we must strive.

…we must earn.

…we must prove our worth.

Ever feel that way? Ever feel the swirl of self-defeating, self-condemning lies that invade your mind with the power of a hurricane and knock you to the ground, pulling you away from yourself and away from the rest that would be the medicine for everything that torments you and keeps you chained to your perilous busy?

Reclaim Your Heart

To tend to everyone else’s problems, to meet everyone else’s needs, seems easier, doesn’t it? Easier to numb our messy feelings than to have them spill over into our disinfected and whitewashed heart spaces. Easier to stay strong than to make ourselves vulnerable. Easier to do than to be.

We live our lives this way, one day to the next. Capable and functioning. Excelling. Surviving. We find ourselves at once too busy trying to BE God that we are never transformed BY Him.

And still, somewhere deep inside, in the shadowed places no one knows, the very depths we try ourselves to avoid, we are weary. We yearn for rest. Heart rest. Soul. Rest.

God created us for rest.  It is a pilgrimage we must choose, to follow our heart and to follow our Abba, Father to His rest.

Isaiah 30:15 (ESV) tell us that, For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, ‘In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.’ 

One of my favorite passages, Matthew 11:28-30 (ESV) urges us, Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

That word. Rest. Say it. Inhale it. Over and over.

When we finally stop trying and start resting, start allowing His love to pour over us and into us, we find Him changing us in the strangest and most intimate ways.

We start believing—

…we are loved.

…we are the Beloved.

…we can make room for ourselves, for Him.

…we don’t have to live striving.

…we can do less.

…we can breathe.

…we are enough.

In the midst of hectic schedules, busy routines, men, women, moms and dads, need rest as a crucial, though often forgotten, key to their emotional wellbeing. Find out why rest is so important for you, too!

We All Need Emotional Margin

Every person needs to take one day away.  A day in which one consciously separates the past from the future.  Jobs, family, employers, and friends can exist one day without any one of us, and if our egos permit us to confess, they could exist eternally in our absence.  Each person deserves a day away in which no problems are confronted, no solutions searched for.  Each of us needs to withdraw from the cares which will not withdraw from us. ― Maya Angelou, Wouldn't Take Nothing for My Journey Now

What does your emotional margin look like? Where does rest exist in the rhythm of your routine?

Claim it. Cultivate it.

Rest is where we find our truest selves in Christ. Rest is where we can listen to our heartbeat, where we can dream again, risk again, perhaps even love again. Rest has so much to teach us and tell us, if we will listen.

Allow rest to be the unapologetic rhythm that guides your movements and your schedules. Allow His rest to uncover the songs and the stories buried inside your heart that are longing to dance out loud.

So you can live a better story. 

Today.  

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Blog

Sep 17, 2019

How To Stop Hanging On By a Thread

Sep 17, 2019

Sep 17, 2019

Sep 10, 2019

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Facebook: Lisa Murray

Twitter: @_Lisa_Murray

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

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Six Strategies To Help You Thrive After Divorce

Few people walk down the aisle at their wedding thinking about divorce. But it happens. The reality is that 5 in 10 marriages will end in divorce, and 3.8 in 10 evangelical Christian marriages will not survive, according to statistics.

Divorce is one of the most significant stressors anyone will ever experience in life bringing with it not only the death of a marriage, but also the death of the hopes and dreams we have for our life and our future. What’s worse many say, is that after divorce, their spouse is still living and building another life without them. In addition, when there are children involved, they are forced in most situations to interact with their ex at some level.

Individuals walking through divorce can never get away from the pain, it seems. Every text, every phone call, every chance encounter, brings a depth of unresolved emotion and gut-wrenching pain to the surface, forcing them to deal. As best they can.

Though coping with divorce can be overwhelming, you will never be able to move fully into your future without first grieving this tragic loss. Here are six strategies to help you successfully cope with a divorce.

Be Intentional With Grief

Many individuals go into crisis mode when faced with divorce. Pushing the feelings of sadness, anger, betrayal, heartache, and confusion aside, they focus almost entirely on practical details of the legal divorce. They feel as if they are doing great, that they are coping well, until one day they have no battle to distract themselves with, and an ocean of pain begins pour to in, devouring them and leaving them in a bottomless pit of despair.

Please be intentional with your grief. You will never bypass grief, you can’t go over or under it. The only way to the other side is to walk through the grief process. Those who are intentional with grief will face their feelings and allow themselves to feel them in a healthy way. Having healthy outlets for their emotions, they will be able to absorb the loss from the divorce until they are ready to move forward and rebuild their lives successfully.

Ecclesiastes 3:2,4 (NIV) describes that there is a season for everything, a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot… a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.

If you would like to read more about how to grieve in a healthy way, you’ll want to read "How The Power of Grieving Prepares Us To Dance!"

Get Connected In Community

During a divorce, you need more support than ever before. You also need different kinds of support. Great friends and family are vital in providing emotional support and encouragement during the divorce process, but you also need support from sources that can understand the unique emotional stresses associated with divorce.

Groups like DivorceCare not only provide an environment of support from those who are in like circumstances, they also create a healthy, structured setting to help educate on many of the issues surrounding the emotional aspects of a divorce. More than anything, support groups can offer a needed prevention against getting stuck in the grief process.

Do not isolate. Don’t become an island warrior. Do your best to surround yourself with love, encouragement, and support, so that you enter the next season of your life as healed and whole-hearted as possible.

Galatians 6:2 (NIV) says, Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

Get Involved In Church

Studies show that faith is a significant source for healing, especially when we are going through a challenging season. Many people pull away from their faith during a divorce, at a time when they need it most.

Allow your faith to be a resource that strengthens and steadies you in this season. God knows where you are. He sees the pain. He hasn’t forgotten you. He loves you. He longs to be the One you run to when life becomes too overwhelming, too out of control. He longs to be your covering in torrents of the storm.

Let Him. Lean into Him and allow Him to pour His love over you in the most gentle and loving of ways. Let Him hold you up when you feel like you can’t bear one more minute. He will. He has. He always does. That’s who He is!

Isaiah 41:10 (NIV) encourages us, So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; Iwillupholdyou withmyrighteousrighthand.

Do Not Date While You Are Going Through A Divorce

The last thing you need while going through a divorce is a new relationship. You need this time to heal.  I know loneliness can feel more unbearable than you could have imagined. I know your pain is overwhelming.

Still, let this season be a time for your healing. Period. Every day that you remain focused on your healing, every minute that you focus inward and allow God to do His cleansing, transforming work in your heart, will be a multiplied blessing to your future relationship. It is vital that you close the door on this relationship —physically, emotionally, and spiritually— before you enter another.

Love will come again. In some way, shape, or form, you will experience the love for which you long. But you will not experience healthy love birthed from this deep wound. Your heart will scream its desperate need. Your loneliness will betray you. Give yourself time. You will heal. You will love.

Psalm 147:3 (NIV) tells us that, He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Find a Good Therapist

Therapy is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself while going through a divorce. I often hear people say they don’t want to spend the money, but I can think of no better investment for your healing, or your future.

There are many resources for professional therapy —your local church, community counseling centers, or referrals from friends. People who have engaged in therapy during their divorce are always glad they did, recognizing the power of having someone outside of their circle of family and friends, who can help them through the grief process, and who can walk with them as they begin to pick up the pieces of their lives and re-imagine their future.

Be Compassionate With Yourself

This is likely to be one of the most difficult seasons of your life. Now is not the time for rigid goals or agendas. Be flexible. Show yourself the same kind of grace you would show a good friend.

This season will take more than a minute, to heal from and move past. Your emotions will feel as erratic and intense as a rollercoaster. You will feel great one day and horrific the next. Don’t be so harsh with yourself. The divorce will end, you will make it through, even if it takes longer than you expect.

Breathe. Don’t get overwhelmed with the whole picture. Just focus on one day at a time, one moment at a time.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (NIV) states, Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

Divorce doesn’t have to be the end.  You can make it through this season, and enter the next season healed, whole, ready to see what God has in store.

Going through a divorce can be tough for anyone. Here are six strategies to help individuals, men, women, cope, survive, and thrive both during and after a divorce.

God doesn’t just create new things; He is also a God of making all things new. That includes your heart and your life, if you let Him. Though you never expected this would be a part of your journey, it doesn't mean God cannot do something beautiful in you. He has. He is. Trust Him.

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Three Lifelines That Can Help You Win The Battle Against Anxiety and Panic Attacks

Nights can be the worst. That’s when they steal in and threaten to pull me under. Panic attacks.

Not me, the therapist, I thought. I had been free of panic attacks for almost twenty years and out of nowhere, they began again —three in the last eight months.

Somehow in the middle of the night a tsunami of sheer terror arises out of nowhere and crashes over me before I even know what’s happening, before I can have a conscious thought or even begin to fight for my life. In those moments, it takes every ounce of strength I can muster not to drown in the fear and to keep my head above water, though everything is pulling at me, holding me beneath the surface, jeopardizing my very survival. That’s what it feels like, anyway.

It’s not pretty. Sometimes a panic attack can mean a sleepless night, other times the attack can result in my body waging an internal war, tying every ligament and cell into a knot of torture and torment that can take days to calm. What has been worse for me is developing a fear of the fear, a dread and/or apprehension of having another attack.

Psychology Today defines a panic attack as, a sudden rush of fear and anxiety that seems to come out of nowhere and causes both physical and psychological symptoms. The level of fear experienced is unrealistic and completely out of proportion to the events or circumstances that trigger a panic attack.

Everyone who suffers from panic attacks experiences them differently, but some of the symptoms are fairly universal. These can be:

• trouble breathing

• chest pain

• rapid heart beat

• a feeling of impending doom or dread

• shortness of breath

• feeling of choking or smothering

• trembling

• sweating

• nausea

• feeling like you are going to die

If you have ever experienced extreme anxiety or panic attacks, you might feel like you’re alone. You’re not. Panic attacks can be quite common, with about 6 million American adults having a diagnosed panic disorder, a condition marked by recurrent panic attacks, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA). At least 11% of the population has a panic attack in a given year.

These attacks typically affect more women than men, young adults, and individuals with workaholic, type A personalities, but they can also be found in children. They can be triggered by specific situations, by extended periods of extreme stress, or by nothing at all.

Suddenly your body surges with adrenaline. You are hit with a feeling of dread and impending doom like you are going to die, go crazy, faint or lose control, said Tamar Chansky, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and author of the book, Freeing Yourself from Anxiety.

Chansky goes on to describe the onset of a panic attack as the brain, suddenly and out of the blue, engaging the emergency response program like it would if you’re in serious danger. [This] would be great except that it happens in the absence of any actual threat.

Dr. Archibald Hart, Christian psychologist and expert on stress and anxiety, says in his book, The Anxiety Cure, that, many hard-working, driven people don’t realize just how close [we] walk to the precipice of anxiety until one day, out of the blue, a panic attack strikes . . . . We don’t realize how close we are to the edge of anxiety until we lose our footing and tumble . . . into the dark abyss of panic.

For me, there was tremendous shame because I believed somehow I should have this anxiety thing whipped.  To be honest,  shame's dark cloud held me in a prison of silence for a season. I told no one. Believing at the same time I was a spiritual failure because I couldn’t think clearly enough to get my Bible and find the verses dealing with fear, proved to be overwhelming.  Yet today, I have hope.

While medication is necessary for some people, I have found several strategies that have turned the tide and are helping me win the battle over extreme anxiety and panic attacks.

Lean Into the Wave

In the midst of a panic attack most of my energy is spent trying to get away, to escape the horrific feelings that are pounding against me. Running never works —it usually makes it worse.

Deep-breathing exercises are critical in dealing with extreme anxiety or panic attacks. If you would like to learn more about deep breathing and watch a tutorial, here is a helpful article that will guide you step-by-step through deep-breathing techniques.

I’m learning more and more how to lean in and breathe through the feelings of panic. Like many women who breathe into labor pains, leaning in and breathing into the panic begins to change the direction of my energy. I can slowly focus my energy on the present moment, which helps me accept the feelings in my body and press through them to the other side.

Yes, there is another side. It’s important to know that a panic attack won’t last forever. In fact, they usually last about 10 minutes. The panic will begin to fade, moving away like waves slowly wandering back out to sea. In the end, you may be left a little tired, perhaps a little drained, but you will also relieved.

Talk Myself Off The Ledge

I cannot even think of talking myself through anything if I haven’t learned to lean into the wave and begun to slow my heart rate, calming my physical body to the point the fight or flight symptoms of brain fog start to dissipate. At this point I am clear-headed enough to re-engage my thinking and begin talking myself off the ledge.

At first, my thoughts are simple. I am okay. I am safe. God is with me. This won’t last forever. Being able to remind myself that though I am going through a difficult moment, it won’t kill me and I will make it to the other side, is invaluable.

Tip, strategies, tools, for adults, individuals and teens to overcome anxiety and panic attacks

I will also start to speak out loud my favorite Scripture on God’s love for me, His compassion, His care, even in my deepest struggles. Here are a few of my verses:

Zephaniah 3:17 (NIV) -The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

Isaiah 41:10 (NKJV) - Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

John 14:27 (NIV) - Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV) - Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.

Psalm 4:8 (NKJV) - I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.

If I am still in a stressed state and my thoughts are racing, I will usually implement some cognitive behavioral therapy techniques that allow me to see the connection between my thoughts and behaviors. The point of CBT for those of us with panic disorder is to teach us how the panic attacks start as well as how to not perpetuate them. By learning to question the negative thoughts associated with the panic attack, decatastrophize the thoughts by taking them to their worst case conclusion, and challenge the negative beliefs, we can stop the panic spiral.

Without that panic spiral of catastrophizing questions — what’s next, what’s next, what’s next?! — panic attacks really can’t occur anymore, says Chansky.

Take Myself To The Beach (almost)

Guided imagery is powerful to help redirect my focus from the physical and emotional distress of the panic attack to my calm, safe place where I am free of any worry, anxiety, or fear. With guided imagery, I close my eyes and begin to focus on the smallest details of my calm, safe place —for me, the beach.

In noticing and engaging the sights, the smells, the sounds, and the sensations of the beach, I give my full attention to my safety rather than my stressor. In minutes, I can feel my body start to relax and my mind slowly untangle from the irrational, panicked thoughts that created the panic attack in the first place.

Phillipians 4:8 (NIV) tells us, Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

We don’t have to remain helpless victims to our fear and panic. We don’t have to let it destroy our peace. We are powerful to shape our experiences and create mindful, intentional ways to redirect our thoughts, to refocus our minds on something that is true, that is lovely. Pure.

I’m sure many people think those of us who struggle with anxiety and panic should, just get over it, as I once thought. I can’t say I will never have a panic attack again —the truth is, I don’t know. What I do know is that I am cultivating the courage to deal with them differently and each time, I’m a little less scared than before. Each time, my strength grows and my bravery shines, for I know I don’t walk this path alone.

---

Blog

Sep 17, 2019

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891