Thirteen Keys To Amazing Sex With Your Spouse

Do you want amazing sex with your spouse?  Turns out there is some pretty strong research done by Normal Bar Study and John Gottman that has found unique behaviors in marriages that are consistent across cultures and countries, as well as socio-economic and religious backgrounds.

What their research showed is simple —there is a clear set of habits that couples who have great sex are routinely doing.  In addition, couples who struggle with sex, statistics show, are notdoing these very same things.

Having a great sex life is not rocket science. It is not difficult. Here are thirteen keys to amazing sex with your spouse.

1.  Tell your spouse, “I love you,” every day and mean it.  

No quid pro quo, no manipulation, no, I’ll do it if you do it.  We each have a choice to bless our marriages with healthy behaviors or not. Focus on the qualities of your mate you love and make the decision to speak your love authentically and regularly. 

2.  Kiss your husband/wife passionately for no reason.

Give a passionate kiss and many people feel they are being prepped for sex.  Try giving a kiss for no ulterior motive and watch the intimacy build in your relationship. It feels safe, free, with no strings attached.  There is nothing more intimate than that.

3.  Give surprise romantic gifts.

Gifts don’t have to be elaborate or expensive, but giving a gift lets your spouse know you are thinking about them and are focused on nurturing the intimacy in your relationship.  

4.  Know what turns your partner on or off sexually.

Our sex life mirrors our emotional life with our spouse. Healthy spouses are always curious about each other, wanting to learn more, understand more, so they can respect their wants and needs, and keep reaching towards the other thereby cultivating greater acceptance, safety, and closeness.

5. Be affectionate with your spouse, even in public.

Our children need to see us being affectionate.  They need to see us holding hands, or reaching to put a hand around each other’s waist.  Safe. Connected. Welcoming the other into our personal space.  Touch is a vital part of intimacy.  Nurture it outside the bedroom and watch what happens inside the bedroom.

6.  Keep playing together.

Why do couples stop playing together once they get married? In my practice, I hear so many couples talk about how much fun they had together while they were dating only to have that disappear after the wedding.  Find a leisure activity to enjoy together (without the kids).  Play board games together.  Laugh together.  Our relationships need time away from the responsibilities of life just to relax, unwind, and connect emotionally.

7.  Cuddle. Yes, cuddle.

Cuddling is an essential ingredient to great sex. Cuddling moves beyond the casual gestures of affection and allows us to hold each other tight, increasing our safety and secure attachment with our mate. It creates a world where there are just two people, where nothing outside can get it.  It allows both to feel the other is there for them in a healthy way.

8.  Make sex a priority, not the last item on your to-do list.

I know —this kids, work, soccer practice —no way, right? We’re exhausted by the end of the day and the last thing on our minds is sex.  Perhaps some of our priorities need to be re-evaluated.  Perhaps we have overextended our schedules and responsibilities, and something needs to go.  Sometimes our schedules are simply the easiest excuse to keep us from having to make room for our spouse, ourselves, our bodies, and our souls, to keep us from becoming that vulnerable.  

Our relationship needs us to make room for sex.  God created sex and He said it was good. Stop running.  Stop excusing.  Make it a priority and your relationship will be blessed.

9.  Nurture your friendship.

I don’t know about you, but I fell in love with my best friend. I need his friendship.  I need that safe place to share my heart and soul —to dream dreams, to mourn losses.  Friendship builds a secure, strong foundation that can withstand the storms life will bring, but friendship also fuels warmth, fondness, passion, and desire — all of which are needed for a great sex life.  

Relationships that are built on passion alone prove to be roaring fires that extinguish themselves quickly.  Nurturing the friendship ignites a slow, simmering, flame that continues to smolder and grow over time.

10.  Talk openly, honestly, and comfortably about your sex life.

Being able to talk openly about sex is almost as good as sex —yeah, almost.  How freeing to be able to feel safe enough to share with each other openly, honestly, respectfully about what’s working well or what’s not working well in our sex life so we can move closer together and enjoy each other more fully.

11.  Have weekly dates.

Dates are becoming a lost art today.  Date night doesn’t have to be elaborate, it doesn’t have to be expensive, and it certainly doesn’t have to include dinner and a movie.  

My husband and I used to get away for breakfast or a coffee date routinely; sometimes we would meet at the gym or go to the park to take a walk.  A date is simply time we’ve set aside apart from the kids, work, phones, doctors’ appointments —everything— to continue to grow the relationship.  

12.  Take romantic vacations.

Many couples I meet with report they have never spent the night away from the kids.  Yet our relationship needs time away, time to focus on each other, time to enjoy each other. In the stresses of life, we sometimes lose the connection with our partner, we forget why we fell in love in the first place.  We need time away to reconnect, strengthen our bonds, and keep falling in love over and over again.

13. Always be intentional about turning toward your spouse.

Every day we find ourselves in situations where we have the opportunity to turn away from, or turn towards our spouses.  In moments of stress, we choose our children over our husband, we choose our work over our wives.  

Turning away from our spouse destroys the respect, the safety, the trust, leaving us feeling lonely and disconnected.  Keep turning towards, keep leaning in.  Your relationship will grow stronger because nothing will interfere with your relationship, and your sex life will become more rich, more satisfying than you could ever imagine.

What habits do you and your spouse currently practice?  What areas need some attention? How can you begin to look within yourself to determine how you can begin to invest in your relationship and your sex life?

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Three Reasons Why We Need A Better Emotional Vocabulary

The flights were booked.The car rented.We had anticipated this trip for years and I wanted to be prepared.  

Though I had studied Italian in college, I knew my skills were rusty at best, so I purchased an online study course so that I could maximize my experience.

As time passed and I moved from level one to level two, then to level three, I grew confident in my language abilities, but as soon as our flight landed, something strange happened.Maybe it was because they spoke ten times faster than the lady online, maybe it was because they weren’t telling me about the apple on the table, I don’t know.

What I do know is that once I arrived, my Italian vocabulary shrank to about three words —bathroom, restaurant, hotel.

Even though those three words were important, they did little to help me navigate the complexities of a foreign country, much less to communicate what I needed to anyone around me who was in a position to help.

A heart is a vast continent of unexplored and undiscovered imaginations, hopes, and passions.Words are the heart’s compass.

Many of us grow up believing our three-word emotional vocabulary (sad, mad, glad) is all we need to successfully navigate our lives and our relationships.We resist the muddy terrain of human emotion and yet we wonder why our relationships resemble a barren wasteland of confusion, loneliness, and heartache, a shallow wading pool for desperate souls, looking, longing, hoping for something more.

There are three reasons we need a better emotional vocabulary to navigate our relationships well and build a foundation of strength, stability, and peace.

To Know Our Own Souls

How can we make contact with another human soul if we have never discovered the depth of our own?Our feelings give us access into the deepest places of knowledge, acceptance, and wisdom within us.

Emotions force us to face the questions in our hearts about God, about ourselves, about our identity, our likes and dislikes, opinions, beliefs, hopes, and dreams.They lay us bare as we struggle to come to terms with and unearth the answers that will provide strength and direction for every twist and turn, every winding road on our journey.

Psalm 77:6(NIV) states,I remember my songs in the night.My heart meditated and my spirit asked:

Psalm 119:59(NIV) also encourages, Ihave considered my ways and have turned my steps to Your statutes.

All that we long to find in another person, we must first find in ourselves and in our relationship to our Abba, Father —acceptance, safety, belonging…love.

If we don’t know ourselves, really know ourselves, we have little of ourselves to give to anyone else.The deeper, richer, fuller our emotional vocabulary, the clearer we can lean in and hear the whisper of the Holy Spirit leading and directing us, the deeper the well of beauty and grace we have to pour into and over our loved ones.

To Find Our Partner’s Emotional Location

Couples desire connection, they long to be heard, considered, and understood, yet many are reluctant to share their emotions with each other.Somehow they believe their partner should already know where they are emotionally, they should instinctively feel what they are feeling.

For a long time in my marriage, I think there was a part of me that wanted to be found.Like the starlet in the old Hollywood movies, I had these romantic notions of wanting to be pursued, and held, and known by my leading man just for being me.I wanted this all without ever having to say a word, or awkwardly explaining the whys and wherefores of my complicated and often unpredictable heart.

Unfortunately, real relationships don’t work quite like my youthful fantasies.

Feeling words provide the most direct and accurate information about our emotional location.The broader our vocabularies, the more precise our words, the better the odds that our spouses can lean in, hear, connect with, and understand us, therefore the more help and compassion they can offer us on our journeys.If they don’t know where we are emotionally, they will be helpless to find us, nor will they be able to bring us insight, comfort, or encouragement for the steps ahead.

If you are not sure where to start, my book, Peace For A Lifetime, includes a great feelings chart that will help you begin to feel, name, and speak your feelings to those in your life.***Plus, this week only, those you subscribe to the blog will get a free feelings chart PDF!!!

To Fall In Love Over and Over Again

I’ve heard people say they think they know everything they need to know about their partner. Yet somewhere along the way of life when they stopped asking questions, stopped staring at the stars, stopped sharing the music in their hearts, there comes a day when they wake up to wonder how they fell out of love, how they lost sight of each other, became strangers sharing a home while feeling worlds apart.

Communication is the fuel that keeps the fire of your relationship burning, without it, your relationship goes cold. _William Paisley

When my emotional vocabulary is rich, when I can let my husband know what I am feeling —disquieted, unsettled, concerned, overwhelmed, lonely, hopeless, frustrated, angry, afraid, betrayed, resentful, joyful, grateful, excited, satisfied, —there is more for him to know, to discover, to grow with, to respect, more reasons to fall in love, over and over again.

We were designed for feeling. We were designed for connection.There is a whole world of people and relationships out there waiting to be explored.Is our emotional vocabulary what we need in order to know ourselves more deeply, to communicate our emotional location more clearly, and to discover deeper love than we ever thought possible?

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Three Signs Your Marriage Could Be Emotionally Bankrupt

It was the perfect day for a wedding. Their eyes were filled with love and longing, their dreams diffused by the tint of their rose-colored glasses.

Those early years together tore through like a whirlwind. The first little house, the first bouncing baby, the first big job promotion—it was all exciting, almost intoxicating—as if they were writing the opening chapters of a romance novel.

They dreamed about how they would build their lives together. The sacrifices we make today will pay off in the end, they told themselves. One day we will have the dream. One day we’ll be living the dream.

It was all too good to be true, really. Whether it was the jobs, the moves, the kids, or the in-laws, without a whisper or a knock, the distance began to steal into their relationship and pull them apart.

One day she recognized they no longer looked at one another, no longer sat on the back porch with their fingers intertwined, unwinding together as the sun stole beneath the horizon. There were many 'no longer’s,' she pondered.

Many couples start their marriage with a spark and a fire that feels like forever only to wake up one day to the reality that emotionally, they are barely existing on fumes. We would never expect a fire to burn without something to fan the flame, but when there’s nothing left of our love but a few cold embers, we’re left wondering how we ever got to this place?  We long to heal the distance and find our way back to one another.

Here are three signs your marriage could be emotionally bankrupt-

The absence of feelings

We have believed the lie that feelings are bad, that showing or expressing feelings is a sign of unforgivable weakness. When we first started dating, sharing feelings was different. Things felt so safe, so real. We were curious about anything and everything that had to do with our mate. Expressing emotions was as natural as the slow inhale before we said, I love you. Yet if we’re honest, most of our feelings back then were positive, as they should have been. We were in the slow waltz of falling in love.

Over time, however, once the honeymoon passes and we come face to face with many of the startling and messy realities of human connection, negative feelings begin to mount and we no longer feel as safe with our partner as we did during our courtship. In that moment, many couples slowly start to shut down, turn away, and avoid the other’s gaze.

We hide behind superficial exchanges and pale routines, focusing instead on the children, the schedules, and the responsibilities. The only feelings that crowd our hearts are the feelings of anger and resentment, the feelings of pure pain and rejection that we can barely stifle as we sit silently eating dinner, coolly conversing about everything and nothing at all.

When was the last heart-to-heart conversation you had with your husband or wife that didn’t include anger, accusations, or criticism? Do your primary interactions with your spouse center around the schedules and tasks of the day? How can you begin to share your deepest feelings, fears, and self with your mate?

You can foster resilience in your relationship today by engaging your feelings, not shutting them down. Take a risk, lean in and share. Don’t expect anything in return. Whether we get back what we think we want or need, we create opportunities for courage to flourish and intimacy to grow, simply by sharing.

1 Thessalonians 5:11

Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing.

A lack of compassion

We all long for a safe place to land, a place where we can be seen and heard, a place where we can be accepted for who we are—our strengths and our weaknesses, a place where we can take risks and explore fresh curiosities. In what should be the safest space for us to heal and grow, our marriages often become battlefields where we simply try to avoid getting hit by the next round of fire.

We live in a world where compassion is scarce and criticism, control, and shame abound. Our relationships measure our imperfections, our failures and inadequacies. Because we are too afraid to own our individual shortcomings, we become masters at pointing out everyone else’s.

There is little room to risk when there is no compassion. Little desire to become vulnerable when so much of our safety is at stake. Little courage to engage when the sting of rejection looms so large in our hearts and our minds.

We can foster compassion in our relationships by first learning how to be compassionate with ourselves. When we embrace our own belovedness, our worth, when we stop striving so hard for the unattainable and start giving ourselves a path towards acceptance, wholeness, and creativity, only then can we offer compassion to our spouses.

Can you begin to offer yourself more compassion, more kindness as you move through your day? Can you begin to offer your spouse compassion as they walk on their journey? Can you cheer them, comfort them, or encourage them? Can you offer them the same kindness you would like to be shown, even if they fail to acknowledge it or even reciprocate it?

Colossians 3:12

So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

The absence of meaning

In a recent article, psychologists Gary Reker and Phillip Wong, defined meaning as, The cognizance of order, coherence and purpose in one's existence, the pursuit and attainment of worthwhile goals, and an accompanying sense of fulfillment. Meaning can help buffer against despair, withdrawl, and isolation.  Existential psychiatrist Viktor Frankl believed the need for meaning was a crucial force in people, from the time they were born until their last breath.  

Meaning is the glue that connects the experiences of our lives in a story. Our shared story creates intimacy and closeness in our relationships. Meaning allows us to endure hardship and overcome suffering. Meaning weaves two hearts into one.

When couples shut down their feelings, when they shut down compassion, they inevitably shut down the meaning birthed from the narrative they author about their lives and their relationship. They stifle the fulfillment that comes from dreaming about their futures, their children and grandchildren. As a result, intimacy evaporates and as the emotional bankruptcy settles in, there is little to hold them together, little to fuel the connection their relationship requires in order to thrive.

Brene Brown shares the importance of meaning in our relationships by stating, Connection is why we're here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.

The life of Christ models for us a life built on meaning and connection. As Jesus walked with His disciples from city to city, preaching and performing miracles, at times encountering hardship and rejection, they created meaning for themselves on their journeys, and meaning for us today. How important it is for each of us in our relationships to dare to lean in, share our emotions, and create a rich narrative, in a way that strengthens us for the journey ahead. Disconnection and distance destroys. Meaning magnifies. It strengthens our collective roots.

Can you begin to engage your spouse and share your struggles? Can you create a collective narrative based on your mutual beliefs and values in a way that strengthens your connection? Can you dare to dream again?  Can you re-imagine and re-create your life together?

Many individuals keep waiting for their partner to change before they will change, further continuing the cycle of emotional bankruptcy, distance, and despair. You don’t have to wait on anyone for you to face your fear and take the chance to lean in. Healing begins with one person who is willing to reach toward courage, wholeness, and Emotional Abundance.

As you learn to express more feelings (other than anger), as you create more compassion in your own heart and with each other, and as you cultivate greater meaning from your shared stories, you may wake up to discover your relationship becoming richer with connection and intimacy. You may find your marriage growing into a safe a place for you to heal and grow on your individual journey. And you may cultivate a new way forward that not only protects your marriage from becoming emotionally bankrupt, but allows you to experience an abundance you never knew existed.

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with herself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891