Ask Lisa—How Do I Trust That My Husband Has Truly Changed?

Ask Lisa is an advice post for people who write in to me, asking questions about a specific problem or situation.  Although this is in no way a substitute for therapy, my hope and prayer is that it gives encouragement and direction for whatever you face.

If you have a specific question you would like answered, write in.  I’d be glad to tackle it together!

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Dear Lisa,

Please help!  My husband and I have been separated for two months. He has always had an explosive temper since we married twelve years ago.  As time has passed, his temper has grown worse and he has been verbally and emotionally abusive for years.  I have lived under his control and have feared making any decision that might upset him or spark another rage.  I love him, but I always feel like I’m walking on eggshells around him.

Since I’ve been gone, it seems he has found his faith.  Though he grew up in church, he has always been a skeptic.  Now, he tells me he has changed and begs me to reconcile.  I don’t know what to do?  He has always been remorseful after an angry outburst, he has promised a million times that it would never happen again—and yet it inevitably does. He says he doesn’t need counseling, but assures me that things will be different.  Do you think I’m in rebellion to God because I don’t want to go back home?  

Heartbroken in Hunstville

Dear Heartbroken,

Thank you for reaching out. Nothing is easy about walking away from someone you love, even when your emotional/physical safety is at risk. You made the right decision to leave. Once someone starts down the cycle of abuse, it can easily continue beyond emotional and verbal into physical abuse.  I need you to know —NO type of abuse is acceptable.  No amount of abuse is okay.  It’s not.  Your phsycial and emotional safety cannot be risked for the sake of reconciliation, without full trust that someone’s heart and behavior have changed.  

This, unfortunately, is where many people make the mistake of returning based on a promise without any proof.  In psychology there are two types of change.  One type of change is called first-order change.  First-order change occurs on the behavioral level without impacting the operating rules of the system. These changes are considered superficial and less sustainable, leaving many to coin the phrase, white-knuckling, when describing first-order change.

The other type of change is called second-order change.

This is transformational, and truly the only kind of change that is sustainable.  The reason is simple —second-order change starts in the heart. It owns full responsibility for behavior, it is truly sorrowful.  Most importantly, it is followed by consistent, verifiable behavioral change. This kind of change is change you can see, change you can count on, change that over time rebuilds safety and trust in the relationship.

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If you are struggling in your relationship, I’ve created two of my best resources for couples, including a Marriage Expectation Worksheet as well as a Marriage Health Quiz to help you assess the health of your relationship and learn to develop healthy expectations for each other.  They are FREEwhen you subscribe to my weekly newsletter and will empower and equip you to discover the spiritual, emotional, and relational healing and wellbeing you’ve always desired!

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I truly hope he has recommitted his life to Christ.  If he has changed, time will bear witness and his walk will continue whether you reconcile todayor not.  You will see someone who is learning how to better manage his emotions.  You will experience someone who speaks to you respectfully, someone who doesn’t push, understanding that you need your space to heal and come to your decision in your own time.  

My encouragement for you is to find a trusted therapist who can walk with you and not only help you grieve, but help you heal from past traumas and learn to trust again.  This takes time, my friend.  If he is sincere, you can both heal, grow, and reconcile slowly, building a new relationship foundation that is stronger and better than ever before.  

Sometimes we become impatient and try to rush our healing process. Don’t.  The time and effort you put into your healing will yield a harvest of peace later.  

If you are not sure exactly what healthy relationships look like or how to cultivate them, I encourage you to get my book, Peace For A Lifetime, which will help you understand and create the healthiest, most resilient relationships possible!

I’ll be praying for you!

Lisa

**The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only. Use of this column not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, financial, medical, legal, or other professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist. The opinions or views expressed in this column are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed professional, physician or mental health professional. 

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I've included my two best marriage resources - my Healthy Expectations Worksheet and my Marriage Health Quiz for FREE when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. Discover the spiritual + emotional + relational wellbeing and abundance God has for you! Get Yours Now!!

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Why We Are the Most Influential Person In Our Relationships

 Somehow we may think, Donald Trump may be the most influential person in his relationships, but certainly we could never be the most influential person in our relationships.

We can come up with all the reasons why we could never be that influential —our past, our failures, our weaknesses, our fears. Surely the people around us with whom we are in relationship, they would certainly be more influential than us. Right?

Wrong. We are the most influential person in our relationships because we are the only people we are capable of changing or influencing.

Our ability to create a life of Emotional Abundance and peace is almost entirely up to us. When we commit to seek God and His healing, we will find both. Jeremiah 29:13 (NIV) states, You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. The Emotional Abundance we experience as a result will overflow and impact all of our relationships.

If you’ve ever felt helpless or hopeless in your relationships, God has so much more in store for you! He longs for you to know His peace in every relationship in your life.

Here is an excerpt from my new book, Peace For a Lifetime, that shares why you are the most influential person in your relationships.

We all have tendencies toward certain defense mechanisms we learned early on to keep us safe or perhaps even to survive. Those defense mechanisms will destroy the fabric and beauty of any relationship. They will undermine the safety, respect, and trust that every relationship needs to thrive.

Once we become aware of our defenses, we are empowered to begin building new ways to engage in our relationships. We can keep ourselves safe no matter what. We can open ourselves to hear another’s experience, and we can open ourselves to sharing our experience. We can communicate calmly, clearly, and directly. We can lay aside our need to defend, our need to win at all costs, and even our need to change our partner. As we do, we will learn we can come into safe contact with others and enjoy the process of building relationship.

We are the key. We own responsibility for ourselves in our communication, our life, and our relationships. We cannot ask or require another person to take responsibility for our safety, happiness, or well-being. This is the essence of our work with ourselves and God. Our relationships are merely the canvas on which we get to practice and experiment.

We can never blame another for our lack of, whether a lack of safety, a lack of peace, or a lack of having our needs met. The responsibility for us ultimately lies with us. We are in charge of our safety, peace, even our needs. If something must come from another, we are in charge of using our voice to speak our thoughts, feelings, and needs in a healthy, respectful way.

We do not even need our partners or friends to be healthy in order for us to be healthy. Many people give up and say that they cannot use healthy communication if their partner doesn’t use healthy communication; that they cannot change unless their partner is willing to change.

If our health or emotional wellbeing is dependent upon what another person does or does not do, on what they promise to do or not to do, our emotional health is on shaky ground. The more I am able to shift my focus from someone else as the key to my peace, to me as the key to my peace, the more likely I am to find peace. The person over whom I have the greatest amount of control and influence is me.

What freeing news! Indeed, we are the most influential person in our relationships. Don’t buy into the notion that you could never change. You can. You will. He will —change your life from the inside out. That alone will influence ALL of your relationships.

I share simple, practical life steps in my book, Peace For a Lifetime, that can help you understand the life God desires for you. This material can help you create and experience an indestructible peace – not just for today, not just for tomorrow, you can experience peace…for a lifetime!

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What Boats Can Teach Us About Healthy Relationships

Relationships can be overwhelming. We all want relationships, but how do you know if your relationship is a good one? What does a healthy relationship even look like?

We hear expressions from Hollywood like, “You complete me,” we sing along with the radio, “I can’t live if living is without you,” we believe that “love means, I should be willing to do anything for you.” Is it any wonder we are slightly confused as to how to create a healthy relationship?

Here is an excerpt from my new book, Peace For a Lifetime, that shares what boats can teach us about healthy relationships. Yes – boats. Boats are interesting things. They have an individual identity. They have to maintain their seaworthiness and safety in a sizeable and often turbulent ocean. Boats can teach us a lot about how we as individuals engage in relationships. Boats can also offer us a better understanding of what healthy relationships should and should not look like.

I describe a picture of myself in a relationship as if I were in a boat that is floating in the ocean. I as an individual am in the center of my boat. I may be in a relationship with others, and if they are healthy relationships, they are in the center of their boats, too. Everyone is safe, anchored in Christ, connected with one another.

However, there are many relationships I encounter where someone I love is not in their boat. They are treading water in the ocean surrounding the boat. They do not realize they are drowning, but from my position in my boat, I can see they are drowning. The waves are crashing all around them. The wind is blowing, and the powerful current threatens to pull them under the water.

Because I love my family and friends, I desperately want these people in the boat with me. I know the boat is good and strong. The boat provides the necessary safety and security for my journey. So I make my way to the edge of the boat in order to throw out a life preserver. I try to lean over the edge to reach out to them, but they are just beyond my reach. My efforts are noble and helpful, but at the point I risk falling out of the boat myself while trying to rescue them, I am then useful to no one and in jeopardy of drowning myself.

In order to be the most helpful to the ones I love, in order to have the greatest chance of successfully rescuing or influencing them, I must remain safely centered and stable in my boat. I must make sure I am healthy before I can ever attempt to establish a healthy connection with someone else.

How could I love my family and friends well if I am not able to love and care for myself well? The answer is, I couldn’t. I must make sure that I am safely grounded in my boat, that I know my identity and have created a safe place for my authentic self to flourish, that I am actively pursuing my passions and purpose as I live out my beliefs and values with clarity and courage.

For many of you, that concept sounds terrifying, completely foreign to anything you’ve ever experienced. You are not alone. You don’t have to continue living in relationships that demand too much, give too little and leave you feeling hopeless that life could be different.

Life can be different! I share simple, practical life steps in my book, Peace For a Lifetime, that can help you understand the life God desires for you. This material can help you create and experience an indestructible peace in your life and relationships; peace – not just for today, not just for tomorrow, you can experience peace…for a lifetime!

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