Ask Lisa—How Do I Trust That My Husband Has Truly Changed?

Ask Lisa is an advice post for people who write in to me, asking questions about a specific problem or situation.  Although this is in no way a substitute for therapy, my hope and prayer is that it gives encouragement and direction for whatever you face.

If you have a specific question you would like answered, write in.  I’d be glad to tackle it together!

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Dear Lisa,

Please help!  My husband and I have been separated for two months. He has always had an explosive temper since we married twelve years ago.  As time has passed, his temper has grown worse and he has been verbally and emotionally abusive for years.  I have lived under his control and have feared making any decision that might upset him or spark another rage.  I love him, but I always feel like I’m walking on eggshells around him.

Since I’ve been gone, it seems he has found his faith.  Though he grew up in church, he has always been a skeptic.  Now, he tells me he has changed and begs me to reconcile.  I don’t know what to do?  He has always been remorseful after an angry outburst, he has promised a million times that it would never happen again—and yet it inevitably does. He says he doesn’t need counseling, but assures me that things will be different.  Do you think I’m in rebellion to God because I don’t want to go back home?  

Heartbroken in Hunstville

Dear Heartbroken,

Thank you for reaching out. Nothing is easy about walking away from someone you love, even when your emotional/physical safety is at risk. You made the right decision to leave. Once someone starts down the cycle of abuse, it can easily continue beyond emotional and verbal into physical abuse.  I need you to know —NO type of abuse is acceptable.  No amount of abuse is okay.  It’s not.  Your phsycial and emotional safety cannot be risked for the sake of reconciliation, without full trust that someone’s heart and behavior have changed.  

This, unfortunately, is where many people make the mistake of returning based on a promise without any proof.  In psychology there are two types of change.  One type of change is called first-order change.  First-order change occurs on the behavioral level without impacting the operating rules of the system. These changes are considered superficial and less sustainable, leaving many to coin the phrase, white-knuckling, when describing first-order change.

The other type of change is called second-order change.

This is transformational, and truly the only kind of change that is sustainable.  The reason is simple —second-order change starts in the heart. It owns full responsibility for behavior, it is truly sorrowful.  Most importantly, it is followed by consistent, verifiable behavioral change. This kind of change is change you can see, change you can count on, change that over time rebuilds safety and trust in the relationship.

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If you are struggling in your relationship, I’ve created two of my best resources for couples, including a Marriage Expectation Worksheet as well as a Marriage Health Quiz to help you assess the health of your relationship and learn to develop healthy expectations for each other.  They are FREEwhen you subscribe to my weekly newsletter and will empower and equip you to discover the spiritual, emotional, and relational healing and wellbeing you’ve always desired!

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I truly hope he has recommitted his life to Christ.  If he has changed, time will bear witness and his walk will continue whether you reconcile todayor not.  You will see someone who is learning how to better manage his emotions.  You will experience someone who speaks to you respectfully, someone who doesn’t push, understanding that you need your space to heal and come to your decision in your own time.  

My encouragement for you is to find a trusted therapist who can walk with you and not only help you grieve, but help you heal from past traumas and learn to trust again.  This takes time, my friend.  If he is sincere, you can both heal, grow, and reconcile slowly, building a new relationship foundation that is stronger and better than ever before.  

Sometimes we become impatient and try to rush our healing process. Don’t.  The time and effort you put into your healing will yield a harvest of peace later.  

If you are not sure exactly what healthy relationships look like or how to cultivate them, I encourage you to get my book, Peace For A Lifetime, which will help you understand and create the healthiest, most resilient relationships possible!

I’ll be praying for you!

Lisa

**The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only. Use of this column not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, financial, medical, legal, or other professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist. The opinions or views expressed in this column are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed professional, physician or mental health professional. 

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I've included my two best marriage resources - my Healthy Expectations Worksheet and my Marriage Health Quiz for FREE when you sign up for my weekly newsletter. Discover the spiritual + emotional + relational wellbeing and abundance God has for you! Get Yours Now!!

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Done

Four Ways We Need To Change Our Perspective On Our Problems 

Have you ever felt slimed by an email? I mean, have you ever gotten an email that oozes with shame, judgment, and anger – all ‘in the name of Jesus?’ Ever felt the sting of someone else’s defenses because you wouldn’t tell them what they wanted to hear, abandon your boundaries, or share in their drama?

It began with an email I received from an acquaintance who had gotten caught up in a series of poor choices, followed by some fairly unpleasant consequences. They were angry that I wouldn’t let them off the hook. They expected me to give in. They demanded I show them grace.

Didn’t they know the difficult road I have walked to conquer my fears, heal my wounds, and develop the ability to even have a boundary, much less enforce one?

I do understand. We all at some point want, perhaps even expect someone else to let us off the hook from honoring our word or our responsibilities. I have been there. Even this week as I realized how over-scheduled I was, I wanted to bail on something, anything, that would give me a little more downtime, a little more breathing room. I recognized that I had not done a good job at drawing boundaries and I was left to pay the price. I was over-leveraged and severely under-nurtured. I wanted to be let out of honoring my word.  I wanted someone else to solve my problem.

We grow myopic in our perspective, we believe our situation is ‘special,’ and we are all left battered and bruised by the disappointed expectations we have from just about everyone in our lives. When is our word our word? When do we shine Christ by allowing those in our world to see that we honor our commitments, we follow-through, we are trustworthy?

We honor our commitments, even when it is difficult, expensive, or inconvenient. Michael Hyatt

Our faith and our character grow as we look to God to rescue us in our mess, not look to others to rescue us from our mess. God does allow others to be a part of our healing story, yet God should be at the center of our healing story. Grace is never demanded, only freely given, when God prompts.

[clickToTweet tweet="We should look to God to #rescue us in our mess, not look to others to rescue us from our mess." quote="We should look to God to rescue us in our mess, not look to others to rescue us from our mess."]

[clickToTweet tweet="Others can be a part of our #healing story, yet #God should be at the center of our healing story. " quote="Others can be a part of our healing story, yet God should be at the center of our healing story. "]

Instead we think to ourselves…

Surely, she’ll understand…

But my situation is different…

If she was more Christ-like, she would…

These are lies, all lies we tell ourselves to keep us believing that we are the victims and that other people are ruthless tyrants, holding us back or keeping us down. In truth, we are not victims, as I’ve come to recognize on my own broken, uneven journey.

No one is responsible for our poor choices but us. No one is evil or selfish for maintaining their boundaries. Really.

We are destroying the power of our testimony at the hands of our selfishness. We are clamoring, scurrying, demanding our agenda be served, our need be honored, and in the process we’re losing our strength, our relationships, and our witness. Scripture describes this in both the Old and New Testaments, powerfully saying,

If a man vows a vow to the Lord, or swears an oath to bind himself by a pledge, he shall not break his word. He shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth. Numbers 30:2, ESV

But whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him. 1 John 2:5, ESV

What you gain from not honoring your word in the short-term is miniscule compared with what you will lose in your character and reputation. A house divided against itself cannot stand.   When we lose sight of the larger picture, the incongruity of our words and actions will destroy our foundation as well as any kingdom work we might undertake. Here are some other options we can all consider whenever we feel backed into a corner:

Look within to find the answers to our problems.

We need to memorize the words in Psalm 46:1 that say, God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.  Someone else cannot be the answer to our problems. Only God can be our refuge, our covering, our strength. Only He can hold us and sustain us, giving us understanding, wisdom and direction in the midst of our circumstances. We diminish God’s power and our own resilience when we depend solely on external means to resolve our problems. God has a miracle for you. It just might not come in the form you expect or perhaps demand.

Spend more energy in learning from our mistakes rather than trying to get out of them.

Sometimes we make choices born of emotion, impulsive reactions, honest means. When these choices bring untimely or unfortunate consequences, God allows the consequences as a natural expression of His love. He often uses the circumstances in our lives to teach us, to impart wisdom, and to mature us for our future steps in life.  He has called each of us for a purpose. He needs to grow us and prepare us for whatever lies ahead.  The only tragic mistake is the wasted mistake.

[clickToTweet tweet="The only tragic mistake is the wasted mistake. #PeaceforaLifetime" quote="The only tragic mistake is the wasted mistake."]

Look outside of our perspective to see someone else’s perspective.

Because someone is not able to give us what we want doesn’t mean they are wrong, unloving, or un-Christlike. There is another side, another perspective. We all are naturally attuned to our unique viewpoint, yet we limit our growth when we fail to acknowledge or understand another person’s perspective or boundaries. Look beyond your thoughts, feelings, wants and needs, to show respect and consideration for the thoughts, feelings, wants and needs of someone else.

Show respect for other’s boundaries.

Yes, other people have boundaries, too. Boundaries are not just meant to keep us safe, they are meant to help others take care of themselves as well. Being a Christian does not mean being a doormat. Being a Christian means that we listen to the Holy Spirit inside of us and learn to honor His leading.   It means we learn to develop and enforce healthy boundaries for ourselves in order to more wisely and powerfully invest ourselves in the work to which God has called us. It means we are sensitive to knowing the situations where He wants us to participate, as well as situations where He has not called us to participate.

In my new book Peace For A Lifetime, I share more about the skills we need to cultivate a life of abundance and peace. Life doesn’t simply happen to us. We can develop new ways of living, not just for ourselves, but for the future of our children and our families.

If you’d like to learn more about the book, click here.

As we do these things – look within, learn from our mistakes, see another point of view, and show respect for other’s boundaries – we will be shining a great light of God’s glory, His love, His power from the testimony of His provision and handiwork in our lives. We will be living as the body was intended to live. We will be bearing much fruit. We will be living lives of abundance. We will experience indestructible peace.

Have you ever felt the sting of someone else’s defenses? Ever been battered because of your boundaries?

I’d love to hear your comments.

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About Lisa

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, coffee lover, and wife. My hope is to provide a compassionate place in the midst of the stresses and struggles of life. At heart, I am just a Southern girl who loves beautiful things, whether it is the beauty of words found in a deeply moving story, the beauty of a meal cooked with love, the beauty of a cup of coffee with a friend, or the beauty seen in far away landscapes and cultures. I have fallen passionately in love with the journey and believe it is among the most beautiful gifts to embrace and celebrate. While I grew up in the Florida sunshine, I now live just outside Nashville in Franklin, TN with my husband and Shih-tzu, Sophie.

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I have discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

I’d love to connect on Facebook: Lisa Murray, author

Twitter: @_Lisa_Murray

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Blessings, 

Lisa

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How Discovering Our Inner Voice Strengthens Our Relationship With God

 How did that make you feel? It’s a question asked often by therapists. No, it’s not just a waste of time, nor is it an effort to turn us all into emotional washrags.

Every time I ask someone the question, “How did that make you feel?” they almost instantly stop, check into, and evaluate how a situation or a conversation made them feel. Sometimes individuals respond back with a blank expression, sometimes the only word they can identify is “frustration,” sometimes they can articulate a world of thoughts without ever being able listen to, make sense of, or do anything productive with their feelings.

God created our feelings. Our feelings are flashing lights on our journeys that help give us information, feedback, and insight for the road ahead. Our feelings also provide the most direct connection with our inner voice.

“What is an inner voice?” some might ask. Our inner voice is the place where the Holy Spirit communes with us. Scripture says the Holy Spirit would come to comfort, teach, and guide us.   He speaks to us through Scripture, but He also speaks directly to us, deep inside. The problem is, most of us have never learned how to listen to our emotions, much less, quiet all of the outside noise so we can hear Him speak.

Here is an excerpt from my new book, Peace For a Lifetime, that shares the importance of discovering our inner voice so that we can build a strong connection with God and ourselves. God is alive and at work within us. We are not alone. Yet so many live without ever experiencing the communion, the abundance, or peace that comes from learning to identify, listen to, and trust our inner voice.

Deep inside each of us is a voice—a quiet, respectful, non-intrusive voice— that acts somewhat like an internal GPS system. If we lean in and quiet all of the chatter that incessantly distracts us, we can hear this voice. Some people call it our instinct. As a Christian, I call the voice the Holy Spirit. As Jesus promised, He resides in us, just to bring comfort, help, direction, wisdom, and guidance for our life’s journey. (John 14:26 NIV)

This inner voice can only be heard once we’ve connected our emotional pipes. Although the voice is not the voice of our emotions, its residence is deep within us. If we’ve shut ourselves off from our emotions, chances are high we’ve shut ourselves off from that voice as well.

As a result of painful, traumatic experiences, many people have learned to completely shut down their emotions as a survival skill. Others learn to live life disconnected from their emotions because they have been taught by their families of origin that emotions are bad (either verbally or nonverbally). They think they hear their inner voice. They believe this is the voice of logic and reason. They like to listen to this voice because listening keeps them at a comfortable distance from everything that isn’t clear-cut, black or white. Yet the voice of logic and reason, more sophisticated perhaps than our emotional voice, is not our inner voice anymore than the voice of emotion is.

Just as some people have been completely cut off from their emotions, others have been entirely lost in their emotions and overwhelmed by them. For a variety of reasons, they have never learned how to adequately calm or regulate their emotions. As a result, the volume of feeling is so high, the quality of thinking so distracted and disorganized, they cannot hear the voice inside either.

As we develop EA, our job is to find that place right in the middle of our thinking and feeling, which allows us to feel our emotions and calm them. Once we have done that, we can use our thinking to process through our emotions and arrive at a centered, peaceful place. Only then will we be quiet enough in our hearts and our minds to hear our inner voice, to listen to the whispered words of encouragement and direction offered for the steps that lie ahead.

Our inner voice rarely lays out the entire road map for us, but like any other relationship, as we learn to build a strong connection and trust our inner voice, we will find comfort in realizing we don’t need to know the entire plan. We’ll find strength in learning to honor our inner voice to take the next steps, whatever they may be. We will discover more about God and more about ourselves along the way.

That excites me! You don’t have to continue to feel drained, empty, and hopeless in your life. God has so much more in store for you! God longs for you to experience peace. “Peace” in Hebrew refers to wholeness, completeness, safety, soundness, and fullness. God wants us to be whole —physically, spiritually, and emotionally.

I share simple, practical life steps in my book, Peace For a Lifetime, that can help you understand the life God desires for you. This material can help you create and experience an indestructible peace – not just for today, not just for tomorrow, you can experience peace…for a lifetime!

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How The Power of Relationship Can Help You Overcome the Monsters In Your Closet

Were you ever afraid of the monsters in your closet as a child? Are there monsters in your life today, areas of your life that you have been too afraid to face, too overwhelmed to muster the courage to conquer?

Me, too. I spent much of my childhood afraid. I was afraid of the dark, afraid of being alone, afraid of being rejected, of being ridiculed, of not being enough.

My fear followed me, like my childhood monsters, into my adult life. They paralyzed me. They crippled me, until I was able to find the key that empowered me to face my deepest fears. It was so simple, right under my eyes, but I never saw it.

Here is an excerpt from my new book, Peace For a Lifetime, that shares how the power of relationship can help us overcome the monsters in our closets. We know running away from our fear doesn’t work. We know mantras don’t work. Pills only work for a brief period of time. It is intimate relationship that holds the power to break through the fear that holds you captive and build a foundation for your life that will stand solid and strong.

As a small child, I remember being afraid of the dark. I would get so scared before bed that every night I would scour the closet, search under the bed, and peer in every nook and cranny to make sure there were no monsters or ghosts hidden anywhere in my room. At bedtime, my mother would pray with me, and all would be well until she said goodnight and turned out the lights ... then things would get worse.

I could see the outline of the monsters moving through the shadows as the clouds passed over the moon in the night sky. I could hear creaks in the floor, and I would stay there with my fear rising until I could take no more. Then I would run to the safety of my mother’s room. I remember lying beside her bed on a blanket and thinking that as long as I could feel her hand rest on mine, I was okay, and I was safe! You see, my fear didn’t need a formula; my fear needed a person.

As an adult, what I need is not a mantra, nor a theme song, to pep me up for a few moments. What I need first and foremost is a relationship, an intimate encounter with the God of the Universe, who is so intimately acquainted with me that He numbered the hairs on my head.

Perhaps as we start our journey there, we will be able to muster the courage to face the monsters in our closets. I’m not saying this is a three-quick-steps-and- you’re-cured program. What I am proposing is a lifetime journey that begins with a relationship with your Heavenly Father.

I sometimes wonder what life would feel like today if I could actually feel God’s hand rest on mine, quietly, simply, as I make my way through the ordinary and sometimes unbearable tasks of the day. Though I cannot tangibly feel Him, He wants me to know Him intimately and to rest in Him just the same.

God wants to be more than a distant judge with a set of rules. He is so much more than a genie in a bottle. God wants to grow a relationship —an authentic, powerful relationship with you that will change your life forever. Being with Him, knowing Him, trusting Him will give you the strength and confidence to face whatever challenges or fears that threaten to overwhelm you today.

I share simple, practical life steps in my book, Peace For a Lifetime, that can help you understand the life God desires for you. This material can help you create and experience an indestructible peace – not just for today, not just for tomorrow, you can experience peace…for a lifetime!

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