ASK LISA - How Do I Stop The Cycle of Anger?

Ask Lisa is an advice post for people who write in to me, asking questions about a specific problem or situation.  Although this is in no way a substitute for therapy, my hope and prayer is that it gives encouragement and direction for whatever you face.

If you have a specific question you would like answered, write in.  I’d be glad to tackle it together!

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Dear Lisa,

I know you write about emotions, but I have to be honest that it is something I still struggle with. My mother never showed any emotion —except anger— and no matter how hard I try, I find myself lashing out in anger with my children.  I always promised myself that I would never be like her, yet I am helpless to stop.  

My childhood was filled with abuse, addiction, and neglect.  I can’t think of anything happy or warm about it.  The more chaos I saw as I child, the more I shut down.  I hid behind a veneer of nothingness.  I never let myself feel anything.  That’s how I survived.  Though inside I could sense that things around me weren’t normal, it was the only life I knew.  In my teens, I went to alcohol and drugs to numb the pain inside.  To allow myself to feel would have been too overwhelming for me.

Having been in recovery for three years, I am learning for the first time how to feel.  It is the single hardest thing I have ever done. Sometimes it seems easier to go back, to once again run from and mask the feelings of pain.  But I can’t.  I am committed to myself —the child in me who was wounded so long ago.  I am committed to her healing, learning to love her so that I can learn to love my children and parent them well.  My question is this—how do I stop the cycle of anger? Why am I unable to respond in a healthy way to my children?  I want freedom.

Sincerely,

Angry in Arkansas

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Dear Angry,

Thank you so much for your authenticity in sharing the realities not only of your childhood, but your recovery and anger issues.  It takes so much courage to be able to let down our defenses and acknowledge the truth of our situation. First of all, let me say that my heart breaks to hear of your childhood.  No child should ever experience the pain that you felt when you were so young.  Part of your healing journey is to grieve for that little girl, to let her know she is seen, to mourn with her for what she endured for so long.  I encourage you, as part of your recovery, if you haven’t done so, find a grief recovery group or therapist to walk with you during that process.  I imagine part of your anger is associated with grief, as anger is one of the five stages of grief (shock, depression, anger, bargaining, and acceptance), and is needful for you to experience in a healthy way.

As I hear you recount how you survived childhood by shutting down, I would ascertain that you never learned to feel or deal with your emotions and learned instead to stuff them and/or numb them.  Dear friend, you will never find full healing until you can a) give yourself permission to feel and, b) learn how to calm yourself IN your emotions so that you can talk yourself through them more productively.  As children, we learn our primary responses to emotions through watching and mimicking our parents (or primary caregivers).  You are simply repeating how you saw your mother deal with her emotions.  

You can choose to cultivate a different relationship with your emotions.  You can step beyond and discover ALL of your emotions —how to feel them, name them, calm them, and talk yourself through them. CLICK TO TWEET  I do encourage as well that you find a good therapist who can guide you along the way, so that you can experience the internal calm and confidence that comes from knowing how to regulate our emotions effectively.

For many, anger puts us into “fight-or-flight” mode where we become reactive vs. responsive to a situation. In those moments, allow yourself to walk away. Do not parent in anger. Calm down, think through how you want to respond to your child, what appropriate consequences need to be enacted. Breathe. Outside the moments of anger make the commitment to no hitting, no swearing, no name-calling, no screaming. If you need to scream, go to your room and scream into a pillow.

Lastly, I do encourage you that you are probably doing better than you think. You have been committed to recovery and that is such a courageous step to take for yourself and your family. All parents fail, we all lose it with our kids.  We do.  Don’t shame yourself.  The enemy would love nothing more than to see you spiral in your shame back into addiction. Remember that you are on your journey. Shame steals while compassion heals. CLICK TO TWEET

God loves you.  He has a plan for your life.  He is healing, and teaching, and growing you to become the woman He designed from the beginning.  Hold onto that.  Don’t let go. You are the Beloved.  You are His child.  You are becoming.  I believe you will learn how to manage your anger, I believe you will learn more and more who you are in Christ, as a woman, a wife, and a mom.  I believe that God has future for you —Jeremiah 29:11 (MSG) says, I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.

Keep going.  Don’t stop now.  The work you do now can change the legacy for your entire family!

Blessings, 

Lisa

**The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only. Use of this column not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, financial, medical, legal, or other professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist. The opinions or views expressed in this column are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed professional, physician or mental health professional. 

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FREE GIFTS!!

If you struggle to feel, name, or work through your emotions effectively, I’ve created several powerful resources, including my Emotions Chart, Emotional Intelligence Toolkit to help you grow in your emotional wellbeing and equip you to walk well in your life and relationships. They are FREE (along with my ENTIRE resource library) when you subscribe to my weekly newsletter and will empower and equip you to discover the spiritual, emotional, and relational healing and wellbeing you’ve always desired!

Claim your gifts now!

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Eight Traits Emotionally-Intelligent People Use For Success - (plus, find out your Emotional Intelligence score NOW!)

I used to think I was fairly smart.  I graduated at the top of my class, got a full scholarship to college.  I should have had everything necessary for success —but I didn’t.

Emotionally, I was a wreck. Though I had a good IQ, my EQ (emotional quotient) wasn’t very high and that impacted everything —my career, my relationships, everything.

Daniel Goleman, one of the prominent researchers on emotional intelligence found that only 20% of success in life was determined by our IQ, while 80% of our success is determined by our EQ.  That’s right – 80%.  

Last week  I wrote about God’s design for our emotions. 

 If you missed it, you can read ‘Why Your Emotions Matter More Than You Think.’

I’ve found eight traits emotionally-intelligent people use for success not just in their careers, but in all of their relationships as well. Make sure to read to the end and take our Emotional Intelligence Quiz!

1.       They’re more self-aware.

Individuals with emotional intelligence are able to accurately self-reflect.  They know their personality, their core strengths and weaknesses, as well as environments that will bring out the best in them.  They don’t allow their weaknesses to hold them back.  Rather than beating themselves up for what they don’t know or struggle to do well, they focus on creating strategies to improve skill sets so they can achieve their goals.

Emotionally-intelligent people have cultivated a healthy relationship with their emotions. They understand, in developing a healthy relationship with their emotions, an amazing thing happens: they no longer have to be afraid of their emotions, nor do they have run from them. The simply deal with them. CLICK TO TWEET

2.They live with balance.

Because they have a high level of self-awareness, they instinctively know how to cultivate and maintain balance in their lives. Whether at work or in their personal lives, they understand how to take care of themselves well in order to be the best they can be in every area of life.  They eat well, get plenty of rest, and foster interests outside of work to establish and enjoy a greater sense of wellbeing.

3.They’re not perfectionists.

While emotionally-intelligent individuals are highly motivated and accomplished, they recognize that perfection is impossible.  Instead of creating an impossible cycle of unrealistic expectations followed by frustration and shame, they focus their energies on doing their best, maintaining flexibility, and learning from their mistakes.  

4. They’re curious about life.

They’ve learned to cultivate an appreciation for varied and unique experiences.  They are curious and passionate, knowing how to explore and learn new concepts and skills. Their curiosity makes them equally open to asking questions as well as to adapting to new solutions.  Curious people are delightful people who haven’t lost their innate sense of wonder in a complex world of responsibilities.

5.  They’re empathetic with others.

An essential quality of EQ, individuals are well-skilled in their ability to relate to others.  They can listen, understand, and offer empathy to others as they share thoughts, feelings, and experiences.  This better communication and reduces conflict both in the workplace and in personal relationships.

6. They’re growth-oriented.

Individuals with high EQ aren’t afraid of change. Because they are open to learning new things, they embrace growth as a necessary and important part of life. They are eager to accept challenges and usually adapt well even under difficult circumstances.  In seeing the bigger picture, they can mobilize internal strategies to adjust and energize around new problems and circumstances.

7. They’re grateful.

Living with gratitude has an enormous impact on our level of Emotional Intelligence.  People who have a grateful disposition look for things big and small for which they can be thankful. Click To Tweet  They are generally satisfied with life and rarely allow negative feedback or people to influence their lives or their decisions.

8.  They bring out the best in others.

Because they are at peace with themselves, people with EQ are able to see coworkers and friends not as threats, but as assets.  Not needing to be defensive with others, they instead create a safe environment in which others can thrive.  They love to see colleagues, friends, and family reach their potential and are motivated by cooperation rather than competition.  

How many of these qualities are you able to identify? Do some seem to come naturally while others seem overwhelming?

The best news about Emotional Intelligence is that it can be cultivated and nurtured throughout our lives.  Where we are today does not have to determine our future.  

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How can You find out what Your Emotional Intelligence is?

I’ve included this quiz for subscribers as part of my Resource Library that will help you get a baseline of your EQ.

My book, Peace For A Lifetime: Embracing a Life of Hope, Wholeness, and Harmony Through Emotional Abundanceis all about learning the skills to lower your anxiety, lower the drama in your life, increase your Emotional Abundance, and maximize your peace!

The more we increase our level of EI, the more stable, positive, and productive our lives become, and the less chaotic, reactive, and hopeless our relationships feel.  This is the single greatest area we could invest in for ourselves, our children, and our futures so that we can achieve our best life!

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

Why Your Emotions Matter More Than You Think (and 3 ways to cultivate a better relationship with them)

Emotions can be pesky little things.  We can try to run from them, we can try to get around them, yet they always surface when we least expect them.

We’ve all grown up with different beliefs about emotions.  Some of us were taught (verbally or nonverbally) that emotions are bad —a sign of weakness —to be ignored or pushed away in favor of logic and reason, which are safer, better, it would seem.  Others grew up in households where emotions ran high, where feelings were shouted rather than spoken, and individuals lived in the chaos of emotional highs and lows.

Add to this the spiritual dimension where many in the church are often taught that good emotions are good —blessings to be pursued and enjoyed —while bad emotions are bad —attacks from the enemy, a sign of sin for sure —and we can become lost in a hurricane of confusion without ever knowing how to calm the internal storm.

That’s where I landed. Confused.  A mess, really.  I had no understanding of God’s design for my spiritual/emotional wellbeing, nor could I even fathom a life of stability, wholeness, or peace with my emotions.  

The word emotion comes from the French word ‘emovoire’ – to excite, and is defined as, ‘a natural instinctive state of mind deriving from one's circumstances, mood, or relationships with others, instinctive or intuitive feeling as distinguished from reasoning or knowledge.’

Here’s the truth —God designed us as emotional beings.  He did, and He declared that it was good. (Gen. 1:31, NIV) God created all of our emotions, not just the positive ones.  Jesus experienced all emotions (Hebrews 4:15-16, NIV), and He did so without sin.  John Calvin memorably summed it up, ‘Christ has put on our feelings along with our flesh.’

There is nowhere in Scripture where it defines the victorious, Christian, self-actualized life as one where we reach a nirvana of emotional bliss and get to skip the line for despair, sorrow, anger, rejection, and a whole host of other negative emotions. Jesus didn’t, so why should we?

We will find the abundant life God designed for us the more we recognize the importance of our emotions and learn to pursue a life of Emotional Abundance, which is defined in my book, Peace For A Lifetime, as, ‘the over-sufficient supply, the overflowing fullness in the area of our instinctive, intuitive feeling responses as we come in contact with our environment and our relationships.  It is the ability to feel our emotions, to reason through our emotions, to understand our emotions and to effectively manage our emotions so that we can appropriately respond to the people and circumstances around us.  It is the capacity to meet the demands of everyday life and create meaning, in order to move forward in a positive direction.’ 

Here are three ways we can start today to develop a healthy relationship with our emotions and experience a life of strength, stability, and peace.

1.   Don’t Stifle Your Emotions.  

Face them.  Feel them. We will never lead the life we want to lead, we will never experience stability if we live our lives running from every feeling that lies around the corner.  

Stifling our emotions is not only hazardous to our emotional health, it is hazardous to our spiritual and physical health as well. Suppressed feelings don’t evaporate; they eventually burst out and wreak havoc in our lives. We all know the mess a burst emotional pipe can make. Ulcers and migraines. Family feuds and broken friendships. Anger and retaliation. Emotions are not bad; stifling our emotions is bad. 

If you have a hard time developing a healthy relationship with your emotions, my book Peace For A Lifetime, teaches all about emotions and can equip with step by step instructions on how to experience the abundance and peace in every area of your life!

2.    See Your Emotions As A Gift From God To Guide You.

No, our emotions shouldn’t control us, but God put them there to give us the first indications that something is going on inside us that God wants to use to get our attention.  Learning to welcome our emotions in an appropriate way, is the first step towards understanding them and using God’s two other great gifts —the gift of our mind and the gift of our will —to speak the truth to our emotions, to calm them, to care for them so that we can take healthy steps forward on our journey.

As long as we see our emotions as the enemy, we will remain in a constant state of defeat and despair.  The reason —we cannot live a life without negative emotions.  The stresses and circumstances of life invite them. Trying to simply pray them away or run from them, is not only an impossible task, it is not what God has for you.  He wants you to build balance, health, and understanding in your relationship with your emotions.  Do it, and watch what happens.

3.  Learn To Glorify God In Your Emotions.  

John Piper says that, ‘God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.’

When we develop a healthy relationship with our emotions, an amazing thing happens: we no longer have to be afraid of our emotions, nor do we have to run from them. Finding clarity, truth, healing, understanding, and direction, in our emotions yields the gift of abundance and peace that extends into all of our relationships, even our relationship with God.  

I don’t know about you, but I long to find my deepest satisfaction in God.  By discovering healing and wholeness in my emotional life, it binds together and strengthens my physical and spiritual self as well.  

That is the wholeness God talked about in I Thess. 5:23 (AMP) when it says, Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you through and through [that is, separate you from profane and vulgar things, make you pure and whole and undamaged—consecrated to Him—set apart for His purpose]; and may your spirit and soul and body be kept complete and [be found] blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.

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FREE GIFTS!

If you struggle to feel, name, or work through your emotions effectively, I’ve created several powerful resources, including my Emotions Chart, Emotional Intelligence Toolkit to help you grow in your emotional wellbeing and equip you to walk well in your life and relationships. They are FREE (along with my ENTIRE resource library) when you subscribe to my weekly newsletter and will empower and equip you to discover the spiritual, emotional, and relational healing and wellbeing you’ve always desired!

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

How The Power of Investing Can Yield a Life of Abundance and Peace

Live like no one else so later, you can live like no one else. _Dave Ramsey

What Dave Ramsey understands is the power of investing. He is passionate about teaching people how to harness their financial energy so they change the trajectory of their lives and build financial peace.

I believe in a different kind of investing. While I whole-heartedly embrace Dave Ramsey’s philosophy of financial investing, I wonder what would happen if we embraced the notion of emotional investing?

Warren Buffett, one of the wealthiest people in America, stated:

Generally speaking, investing in yourself is the best thing you can do. Anything that improves your own talents; nobody can tax it or take it away from you. They can run up huge deficits and the dollar can become worth far less. You can have all kinds of things happen. But if you’ve got talent yourself, and you’ve maximized your talent, you’ve got a tremendous asset that can return ten-fold.

Most of us simply don’t know how to invest in ourselves. We can barely make it through the day, how can we begin to think about the future?

I believe God created us to have a lifestyle that is dynamic and growing. He did not create us as static creatures. We will find Emotional Abundance and peace as we learn how to invest in ourselves emotionally.

Here is an excerpt from my new book, Peace For a Lifetime, that shares the power of investing and how it can hold the key to building a life of abundance and peace. Peace is not something out of reach, it’s not something just for others. Peace is powerful, peace is possible!

When we become passionate about something, we are willing to invest in our passion. I’m passionate about my children, so I’m willing to invest myself in their lives and education. I’m passionate about my faith, so I’m willing to invest myself in my faith. I’m passionate about my friendships, so I invest myself in them. I’m not passionate about exercise though I know I should be. Therefore, I haven’t invested in a great pair of running shoes. Hopefully I will be able to retire one day, so I have become reluctantly passionate about my 401(k).

No matter what we’re doing, we invest in order to yield a certain return on our investment. We invest in our children with the hope our energy and resources will yield successful, happy futures for them. We invest in our faith in order to grow into mature, strong people of faith who can impact our families and communities for Christ. We invest in our friendships so we will have deep, meaningful contact and support throughout the difficult seasons of our lives. We invest in exercise in order to be physically fit and healthy. We invest in our retirements so one day hopefully we won’t have to work, and we can enjoy the fruits of our labor.

Identity investing works the same way and is as important as every other type of investing we do. The problem is we simply neglect this area of investment because something else demands a higher priority. I have routinely worked with individuals who stopped investing in themselves after they got married. Focusing on their spouse or their children seemed natural to them, yet, years after the children moved out, they woke up to find themselves miserable and empty, wondering how they arrived at this place?

The great thing about investing is you can always start. Walking on this journey, we have been laying the groundwork for identity investing. We had to create a safe environment for us to begin tapping into our emotions and to find that unique voice that exists deep inside of us. We need to uncover some of the counterfeit parts of ourselves so we can foster new authentic selves. Once we’ve tapped into our authentic self, we can begin investing in our true identities, which can yield greater peace and self-acceptance, more satisfying careers, and more meaningful and enjoyable relationships.

You can start wherever you are. You don’t have to remain a slave to your life today. There is so much more God has for you! The materials in my new book, Peace for a Lifetime, will take you step by step through the process of understanding identity investing and will offer you simple, practical principles for discovering your core strengths and weaknesses, assessing unique personality traits, defining your beliefs and values so that you can become passionate and purposeful in your life.

There is nothing better than reaping the dividends from identity investing. These life steps can help you create and experience an indestructible peace – not just for today, not just for tomorrow, you can experience peace…for a lifetime!

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What Plumbing Can Teach Us About Our Emotions

 Most of us have had little training in understanding emotions or how to effectively deal with emotions in life. What we learned from our families growing up was usually some sort of extreme —families either ignoring, shaming, being completely disconnected from their emotions, or families being entirely consumed by drama and emotion. Few of us have had a balanced approach in dealing with our feelings modeled for us within our childhood families.

We’ve been left to figure out emotions on our own. They don’t teach us emotional health in school, they don’t show us a video on how to manage our emotions well. Yet, studies show that emotional health (or emotional intelligence) determines about eighty percent of success in life.

Here is an excerpt from my new book, Peace For a Lifetime, that explains what plumbing can teach us about our emotions. Plumbing isn’t usually the first thing that comes to mind when we think of emotions, but adequate, functional plumbing is necessary for the overall functioning of a house. If something is wrong with the plumbing, the aftermath isn’t very pretty. Likewise, when our emotional plumbing is leaking, or has a stoppage, the aftermath isn’t very pretty either. When our emotional pipes are aligned and functioning well, they allow us to find the balance we need to build a strong foundation for abundant living.

When I was growing up, my dad was a plumber. Talk of flappers, traps, valves, drain fields, seals, connections, and fittings was normal conversation at the dinner table. My dad loved his job and was devoted to excellence in everything he did.

Dad would often take my brother and me with him to work, partially to instill in us a strong work ethic, and partially to educate us with the hope that one day, one of us might want to follow in his footsteps. Okay. Maybe the hope was more about my brother following in his footsteps and I was just a tag-along, but let’s not tarnish a memory!

I wanted so much to please my dad and learn whatever he was teaching, but as soon as he would explain something, I would forget what he told me almost as quickly. He could show me an Allen wrench or a tube cutter and, ten minutes later, I’d have a distinct look of confusion on my face when he asked me to hand him one.

What I remember most from those days with my dad is he always gave me the job of painting the ends of the PVC pipes with purple primer. I somehow felt that my job must be incredibly important, so I worked diligently to be the best purple-primer painter anywhere.

Obviously, I was not exactly mechanically inclined, but what I did learn from those experiences with my dad was that the way the pipes worked had a profound impact on the overall functioning of a house. If the pipes were laid out, connected, and sealed properly, the plumbing would function well. However, if there was a leak or a stoppage, the flaw would affect everything else around that failure in the system. You might not see the cause, but a leak could destroy the structure all around and result in an expensive repair.

Our emotional interior is much like the interior of a house. We, too, have emotional pipes that if connected, flowing, and functioning properly, allow our individual selves to function at optimal performance. However, if there is a leak or blockage in our emotional pipes, the result is either a flood or a back-up. For some, there is a complete emotional disconnect. Sadly, they feel that if they can cut themselves off entirely from their emotions, they will never have to experience the potential pain or messiness that can result as a consequence of feeling.

Yet even for those who have cut themselves off entirely from their emotions, the emotions don’t simply disappear. They will drain into, contaminate, and infect some area of their lives whether they want them to or not.

We cannot run away from our emotions. We cannot push them down or close the door on them – not permanently anyway. Emotional Abundance empowers us to find the proper balance between our thinking and feeling, and equips us to become more calm, more present, more thoughtful in responding to the challenges of life.

You do not have to remain a prisoner to your emotions. Nor do you have to expend so much energy to keep your emotions locked away. There is so much more God has for you! There is hope, there is freedom, there is abundance we can experience in our emotions.

I share simple, practical life steps in my book, Peace For a Lifetime, that can help you connect your emotional pipes and create balance and clarity within your heart and mind. This material will empower you to build a life of indestructible peace – not just for today, not just for tomorrow, you can experience peace…for a lifetime!

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Why We Need a New Way of Thinking About Emotions

 We have a glass of wine at the end of the day to take the edge off. We take a pill to numb us from whatever’s making us feel bad. We throw ourselves into work to avoid having to come home and deal with the pressures of marriage, finances, parenting. We use phones, gadgets, and games to distract us. We use the television to help us zone-out. It seems we expend so much energy to keep us from feeling anything unpleasant, anything messy, anything real.

The problem is, avoiding our negative emotions doesn’t get rid of the negative emotions. They are always there, right beneath the surface. They do come out – usually in ways we wished they wouldn’t. Over time, it takes exhaustive amounts of energy to get rid of them and yet, they are still never resolved.

Here is an excerpt from my new book, Peace For a Lifetime, that explains why we need a new way of thinking about emotions so we can actually use all of our emotions, even the negative emotions, to work for us instead of against us in our lives.

Most people today believe that all negative emotions are bad. We are supposed to feel good all of the time. If we don’t, we must find a pill or remedy to remove the feeling, so we can get back to normal.

Even in the church, many see positive emotions as divine blessings and negative emotions as spiritual attacks from the enemy. We pray that God will remove, heal, deliver. We long for victory. Few of us stop to inquire about the emotions we are feeling, to lean into them so we can understand them. In doing so, we miss golden opportunities to grow, to learn, and to heal.

For many years, I felt emotions simply happened to me, that I was helpless to do anything with these emotions. I believed emotions were bad, that they were Satan’s attacks over which my only hope was deliverance. When I realized that God created my emotions and experienced emotions Himself, I began to believe there might be a reason for my emotions other than to torment me. Perhaps God understood there was an area in which I needed to grow or heal. Instead of delivering me from the emotion, He wanted me to find healing in that emotion, so I could learn what I needed to learn and ultimately overcome.

My journey here on earth seems to be about growth. Most of our emotional growth happens in the difficult seasons of life. Growth requires friction. Growth requires resistance. Anxiety is part of the growth process. Maybe some amount of anxiety comes from the internal struggle with the unknown, the resistance that is necessary for me to grow strong.

Emotions are not bad. Even negative emotions are not bad. Emotions are part of God’s design to help us navigate the waters of life effectively. Ignoring, numbing, or shaming our emotions leaves us disconnected, wandering, and lost. Understanding how emotions working together with our thinking creates balance and equips us to experience our emotions as wise guides instead of stumbling blocks.

Emotions are a powerful resource. My new book, Peace for a Lifetime, unpacks the purpose of emotions so we are no longer forced to ignore them, numb them, or drown in them. I share simple, practical, life steps that can help you understand the life God desires for you. This material can help you create and experience an indestructible peace – not just for today, not just for tomorrow, you can experience peace…for a lifetime.

Emotions are powerful resources. We will either use them as wise guides or stumbling blocks.

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