ASK LISA - How Do I Navigate Sex and Dating?

Ask Lisa is an advice post for people who write in to me, asking questions about a specific problem or situation.  Although this is in no way a substitute for therapy, my hope and prayer is that it gives encouragement and direction for whatever you face.

If you have a specific question you would like answered, write in.  I’d be glad to tackle it together!

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Dear Lisa,

I need your advice.  I am a thirty two year old woman who loves Jesus and who has dreamed of being married her whole life.  I feel stuck and hopeless that I will ever find someone to share my life with.  I don’t date often because I find the online dating scene to be shallow and painful. Just when I begin to talk with someone I enjoy, they ghost me to move on to someone better.  Sometimes they text later when they are bored or have gotten out of another relationship, and act as if nothing ever happened.  The hurt that accumulates becomes overwhelming.  

The men who do ask me out are usually individuals I’ve met through church or close friends.  From the start, it seems like after a few minutes of conversation, the sexual innuendo begins, growing more intense as the evening passes.  What bothers me most is that I was taught from a young age in church to value purity. I was encouraged that my purity would be a great gift to my husband, something he would treasure.  What I have found is quite the contrary.  

When I tell my dates that I am uncomfortable with suggestive conversation on the first date, and that my purity is something I value, they look at me in disbelief.  That’s when the sexual pressure and questioning intensifies, right before they lose interest.  I am insecure in the area of sex because it is something I have never experienced.  I don’t want to be seen as a prude, yet I want men to know clearly where my boundaries are and respect them. I am trying to date quality Christian men, but I feel hopeless in this day and age that I will find anyone who a) doesn’t pressure me for sex, and b) who respects my commitment to purity.  

Is there any hope for me? Does God have someone out there who won’t mock and/or reject me for being a virgin?  Will I ever find my husband if I don’t have sex with them while dating?

Sincerely,

Pressured in Prattville

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 Dear Pressured,

I feel truly sad for your experiences with dating.  I applaud your decision for purity and truly believe that God will ultimately bless your faithfulness to Him.  It does not make your situation any easier, however.  The truth is, we live in a highly sexualized culture where there are few, if any, mores that restrict any sexual desires, even in the church.  Many preachers rarely preach about sexual purity from the pulpit in fear of offending someone.  It has become highly commonplace within the single population of churches to have sex outside of marriage, and the desire for purity seems rare at best. 

This breaks my heart. This is not God’s desire for the church, nor is it His desire for His children.  I share your concern about online dating, which I will share more specifically about in another post; but to be clear, Christians should engage in online dating in a manner that glorifies God, and the dynamics that have become commonplace in the age of technology, do anything but glorify God. Ghosting and baiting devalues God’s children and should be unacceptable to any Believer who is mature in their faith. 

For those who don’t know the terminology, ghosting generally occurs when two people are regularly communicating via phone, text, or Facetime, and one suddenly disappears without warning and without explanation.  Baiting refers to the pattern of reaching back after communication has been cut-off when one is bored or lonely.  

The cycle of ghosting and baiting is disrespectful and unhealthy for everyone involved.  

Human beings are not objects to be used to fill a void of boredom and/or loneliness. CLICK TO TWEET  If you are dating someone online and recognize that you don’t wish to continue the relationship, you should respectfully let the other person know. Furthermore, once you have ended communication, you should never reach out unless you are sincerely reconsidering the relationship and are committed to pursuing the relationship solely and intentionally.  

As to the issue of sexuality in relationship, it saddens me that there is so little respect for purity in the dating world.  Though dating has changed tremendously throughout the years, God has never changed and His Word is as faithful and true today as it has ever been.  

Don’t feel as if you have to compromise your values and beliefs in order to find love.  The person God has created for you would NEVER pressure you to have sex before marriage, nor would they ever make you feel uncomfortable about your decision to honor your faith. CLICK TO TWEET  I know it is hard to believe, but there is someone out there. I don’t know where or when or how God will bring love into your life, but He will.  Trust Him.  

Until then, I don’t believe you have to share your personal boundaries regarding sex with every person you date, especially on a first date. Your boundaries are yours, and you should share them only when you feel led to share them, only to those with whom you feel safe sharing them.  Never allow anyone to pressure you into sharing anything you don’t feel comfortable sharing.  CLICK TO TWEET

No one needs to know your sexual habits or history on the first date —period.  No one. It is completely inappropriate and disrespectful to be pushed into sharing information with a complete stranger.  As you build relationship with someone, you can determine how much information you provide and when —usually as the relationship matures and becomes more serious and in-depth conversations arise naturally.  Respectfully.

We as Believers are called to be ‘set-apart,’ ‘in the world, but not of the world.’  We are to be the light shining in the darkness.We as the Body of Christ have lost our way.  Yet do not lose heart.  Continue to feel proud of who you are, of who Christ has called you to be.  Do not apologize for your purity.  Don’t. You are a daughter of the King. Remember that.  He is faithful and what He started, He will complete.  CLICK TO TWEET

In the meantime, live life to the fullest.  Don’t wait to find love in order to start your life.  Live out your passions and purpose today.  Right now.  Invest yourself in loving and serving others, wherever that may be.  Find joy in every moment.  

I will be prayerful that God will cover you with His peace and protection as you pursue relationship.

Blessings,

Lisa

**The advice offered in this column is intended for informational purposes only. Use of this column not intended to replace or substitute for any professional, financial, medical, legal, or other professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist. The opinions or views expressed in this column are not intended to treat or diagnose; nor are they meant to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed professional, physician or mental health professional. 

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About This Community

Don't we all want a little peace?  My heart for this community is to provide just that - a needed refuge from all the burdens that weigh us down, some encouragement and inspiration to keep us weary travelers moving forward on our journeys, and some practical advice to help each of us navigate the challenges of life and relationships.  Whether in our parenting, our marriages, our faith, or the broken places in our hearts, this place is for anyone who dares to reach beyond the hopelessness that surrounds us and embrace a lifestyle of emotional abundance and peace!  

About Peace for a Lifetime

In my book, Peace for a Lifetime, I share the keys to cultivating a life that’s deeply rooted, overflowing, and abundant, the fruit of which is peace. Through personal and professional experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I've discovered how to take the broken pieces of life and find indestructible peace with myself, God and with others. Through my story and other’s stories you’ll realize that you can experience the life for which you long. You can experience abundance beyond anything you can imagine. You can experience peace, not just for today, not just for tomorrow. You can experience peace —for a lifetime!

Peace for a Lifetime is available on Amazon.com.

www.lisamurrayonline.com

Book Trailer: https://vimeo.com/155392891

How To Teach Your Child Respect – In This Political Climate

So here's the thing— Joanne Kraft isn't an ordinary southern girl.  Joanne is a California transplant to the hills of Tennessee, and she's got a powerful message for all parents out there — you can turn a "mean mom's" parenting into amazing children.  She knows.  She's got four kids of her own.  She writes and speaks around the country and I'm thrilled to have my dear friend  join the "Peace For A Lifetime" Community today!  

Like the rest of the free world, I’m disgusted by what’s happening. Our political climate is like watching a bunch of toddlers without naps.  

I’ve turned off the TV. Stopped going on Facebook and pretty much anything that allows me to see or hear this insanity.

We’ve lost the art of conversation and respect for other people’s views.

We’re just not willing to listen anymore.

How disrespectful is that?

Faith…teaches us not merely to tolerate one another, but to respect one another–to show regard to different views and the courtesy to listen. –George W. Bush, Inaugural Address 2001

Teaching Your Child To Listen

 “My daughter just doesn’t respect me. What can I do? She shouts at me and doesn’t listen to a word I say.”

This is the question I get most. Parents want to know how to instill respect in their children—especially when having a conversation.

Let me ask you this, it’s a question that will answer alot…

How do you model conversation with someone who believes differently than you do?

How do you act when your husband and you disagree? How do you talk about him when he’s not around? What about your mother-in-law? How do you talk about her? How do you act when you don’t get your way?

It matters.

Toddlers who throw tantrums become adults who do the same if we don’t teach them another way.

Kids want to be heard. They want to know their thoughts and ideas matter.

Adults do, too.

The problem is, when you’re raising kids there can only be one government and that government is called Mom and Dad.

It’s actually more like a benevolent dictatorship.

How Our Kids Talk Around The Dinner Table

I believe the best parents raise kids into adults who use logic and respect to share their beliefs and opinions and then LISTEN to ours.

When our kids were all little and around our kitchen table at night, they shared in the conversation with thoughts and ideas and stories that didn’t always make sense to us.

Still, we listened.

As they grew older, their ideas got a little kooky sometimes. (Teenagers, remember?) So, we’d engage with logic and truth. We’d ask them follow up questions, “Who told you that? Why do you believe that source? Do you know anyone else who had this experience?”

That sort of thing.

Respecting another person is simply admitting that God is big enough to love him or her just as much as he loves me. –Stephen Arterburn

There is much freedom of thought in our home and if anything, we taught them to be strong in what they believed. To have an answer that made sense and was factual was encouraged. If they spouted off with rhetoric we held them accountable and asked them to think critically about what they just said. Critical thinking is lacking in so many parenting classes these days. .

Parents walk a fine line between teaching respect and response.  We teach a child to respect the higher office of “parent” and instruct them to respond in a way that will be heard.

I make sure my kids understand their words carry a whole lot more weight if they are respectful with their delivery.

Why?

Because tantrums don’t work.

Name calling doesn’t work.

Shouting down Mom and Dad will never persuade us.

Ever.

Here’s a few things you can do to build teach your child the art of respectful conversation:

Teach them to use their words.  Speaking just to shout or cry is not helpful. Sharing feelings is important, so start there.

Teach your child to listen. Stand or sit eye to eye with your child and take turns talking and listening, especially listening.

Acknowledge their feelings/words. “I think I heard you say that you’re not ready for a nap.” Or, “What you’re telling me is that you’re frustrated with your curfew and want to stay out later.” It’s important a child knows they’ve been heard.

It’s not personal. When their words do not persuade you to change your mind, make sure you remind them it’s not personal. I’d say something like, “You just explained yourself perfectly. I understand a lot better now why you want a later curfew. I really do, but I also have something you don’t yet have—adult perspective. I can see a bigger picture than just the curfew. I know you may not understand why I’m still not persuaded—but know this, I appreciate how you shared your heart with me and I love you very, very much.”

Respect is a character trait for success.

Why is respect so important?

Because, how my children treat me is how they’ll treat their teachers, future employers and eventually their spouses.

[clickToTweet tweet="How my children treat me is how they’ll treat their teachers, future employers and their spouses." quote="How my children treat me is how they’ll treat their teachers, future employers and their spouses."]

My kids are taught to respect all positions of authority but most importantly all people, period. There’s a difference between respecting a person and respecting their office or position.

I teach this because I was taught this by my own parents.

My Lesson In Respect Began In High School

My sophomore year in high school I had an algebra teacher who grabbed me by my jacket and sat me down in my chair.

A total jerk, right?

Okay, I may have been getting a D in the class and I may have been a bit chatty–my memory is a bit cloudy…

My three-tours-in-Viet-Nam-USMC-father called said teacher and gave him the “what for” and I silently listened from the family room.

Thinking to myself, Woohoo! Dad’s on my side!

When he got off the phone I overheard him tell my mom how much he didn’t respect the guy. Then he called for me, “Joanne!”

I almost skipped into the kitchen.

“I just spoke with your teacher. He won’t help you sit in your chair anymore. And, you’re on restriction for two weeks until we see your grade is up in his class.”

“What!? But Dad, I thought I heard you just tell Mom you didn’t like him?”

“I may not like him but he’s your teacher and from what he just shared with me, you’ve not been the best student in his class and your grade reflects that.”

The position my teacher held was to be respected. While I never respected my teacher personally, I was taught I could tolerate a lot when I didn’t like someone–even where algebra was concerned.

Teach your child to respect a position if they can’t respect a person. Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor. 1Peter 2:17

[clickToTweet tweet="Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor. 1Peter 2:17" quote="Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor. 1Peter 2:17"]

This is how my kids have been able to have conversations and even friendships with people from China, India, Russia, Australia, Africa, and not just other cultures but other belief systems; agnostics, Buddhists, atheists, Hindus and more.

I have to constantly remind myself my kids are watching. What I model is what I’ll see. Instead of blocking bridges or shouting down someone who might think completely opposite of how I think and believe, I’m teaching my kids to engage in conversation and respect ALL people.

It’s this process where they’ll learn to love them, too.

Scriptures  About Respecting Others

Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Romans 12:10

[clickToTweet tweet="Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Romans 12:10 " quote="Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Romans 12:10 "]

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Philippians 2:3-4

“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets. Matthew 7:12

Hear, my son, your father's instruction, and forsake not your mother's teaching, for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck. Proverbs 1:8-9

A Little About Joanne

Joanne Kraft is a mom of four and the author of  The Mean Mom’s Guide to Raising Great Kids and Just Too Busy—Taking Your Family on a Radical Sabbatical. She’s been a repeat guest on Focus on the Family, Family Life Today and CBN. Her articles have appeared in ParentLife, Today’s Christian Woman, In Touch, Thriving Family, P31 Woman and more. Joanne and her husband, Paul, once lifelong Californians, moved their family to Tennessee. They’ve happily traded soy milk and arugula for sweet tea and biscuits.

Website http://joannekraft.com/ 

Monthly Newsletter – http://goo.gl/xcp7N

Facebook Author Page:  http://goo.gl/nd3Jt

If you want to read more great posts about parenting, life and so much more, you'll definitely want to sign up for Joanne's blog!

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Blessings,

Lisa

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Three Ways Contempt is Polluting Politics

 This political season has reminded me of none other in its sheer viciousness. The art of attacking has reached epic proportions. The candidates do it. The pundits do it. We do it. If any of us conducted ourselves in person as we feel emboldened to do on social media, we’d be out of a job and perhaps out of friends.

We deserve more from each other.

My disappointment comes down to the one word that destroys all relationships, even relationships across political maps and perspectives: contempt.

We’re Armed and Ready For Battle

I see three ways contempt is not only polluting politics, but destroying any unity that historically has bound us together, even in the midst of our differences.

1. Contempt damages respect. Where there is no respect, there is little room for mutuality or common ground. We throw polite, even religious bombs from the safety of our computer keyboard without acknowledging the sincere, if different beliefs of those reading. We don’t see the explosion on the other side of the screen as others read our words. We don’t see the anger and resentment that builds inside as a result of our disrespect and contempt. We can hold our beliefs and values. We can share them openly without using contempt as a means to make us feel like we are winning. We are not winning. No one is winning.
2. Contempt kills safety. Both sides show contempt. Both sides hurl insults, call names. Calling names will completely destroy any safety in our relationships. Yet we feel empowered to do so because we routinely see our candidates, pundits, and leaders spewing hate-filled aspersions toward anyone with whom they disagree. My mother used to tell me that smart people had better vocabularies and could find better words to describe their differences. Calling names was prohibited in our home as vulgar and disrespectful. Yet in the current political climate contemptuous name-calling has proliferated in its routine and acceptance. Weren’t we taught better?
3.  Contempt destroys relationships. Science has long known that in relationships, contempt is a relationship killer. Dr. John Gottman, one of the leading relationship researchers has found contempt to be one of four ‘Horseman of the Apocalypse,’ deadly to the life and stability of any relationship. We are more divided as a nation and a people than ever. Our relationships are crumbling.

[clickToTweet tweet="We will only make it as a nation if we make it together. #PeaceforaLifetime" quote="We will only make it as a nation if we make it together."]

The myth we buy into is that if our side wins, we can do everything we want and ignore everyone with whom we disagree. We’ve witnessed this in the last few decades. The truth is we cannot survive without each other. We need each other. We need to learn how to communicate, to hold our beliefs and values while learning how to disagree respectfully, kindly, graciously. We need to remove the viciousness and contempt from our dialogue.

We routinely denounce the candidates as needing to set the tone, but isn’t it up to the people to set the tone for how we talk with others as well as for what we expect from our candidates and leaders?

What Needs To Change - Respect

Our leaders will only begin to respect one another if we as a people learn to respect one another —not just those who share our political viewpoints. Because conservatives believe in the rule of law regarding illegal immigration and border security does not mean they are racists. Likewise, because progressives believe in government as the solution to economic and social issues does not mean they are welfare hacks.

Some might say, “What’s the point? This is the only way to be heard,” or “Why bother?” We try because we should all be on the journey of healing, learning, and growing. We should require better of ourselves. We should inspire others to be better, to speak better, to behave better. Besides, as my mother used to say, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.”

Yes, It’s Okay To Disagree

Our politics has historically been a vibrant display of differing viewpoints. Our republic can handle disagreements, even rowdy ones. What we cannot handle is the disrespect, the contempt and the name-calling. It will ultimately cost us the country we love.

Stop the name-calling. Remove the "-ists" and "-ics" from your dialogue as well as your Facebook posts.  It diminishes no one but you.  Everyone has arrived at their beliefs honestly. We can hold our perspectives, share them and even debate them with integrity, wisdom, and respect.  

Next time you feel compelled to post on social media, ask yourself if your words are respectful? Are they gracious, even to others who have opposing views? Are you calling anyone names? Choose your words wisely. We have seen how our words can wound and destroy. But our words also have the power to bring life and healing to a nation. Let’s raise the bar.

[clickToTweet tweet="Our words have the power to bring life & healing to a nation.Let’s raise the bar.#PeaceforaLifetime" quote="Our words have the power to bring life and healing to a nation. Let’s raise the bar."]

Can you recall a time when you said something you later regretted? Leave your comment below. I’d love to have you join the conversation!

My new book, Peace For A Lifetime shares the power of our words and how important healthy communication is to every relationship in our lives.  To learn more about the book, click here.  To order the book now, click here!

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